Wedding Minister, Interfaith Minister, Chaplain and Pastoral Counselor, M.A. Serving the mid-Atlantic area, including Virginia, West Virginia, Maryland, North Carolina, and Washington D.C areas.
In early February I sent out a blog entry entitled, “Keep the Romance Alive in Your Marriage.” In case you missed it, check it out. Almost immediately, I received a note from Cindy. Allow me to share her exact submission.
“Matt and I are celebrating our 7th year together this year (and our 2nd wedding anniversary already!), so in response to your inquiry about our ideas and activities here are a few things that Matt and I do in order to keep the romance alive.
I leave Matt notes frequently. In years past I used this as a way to communicate when we had little time together during the day. Now I use it as a way to let him know I am thinking about him. I use materials I have around the office to make little cards for him and then I write in them. He has kept all the notes I ever wrote him over the past 7 years. I don’t want him to ever think that he is not constantly on my mind.
I keep track of how often we are intimate together. Life can get so busy that too much time can pass between love-makings if I don’t consciously think about when was the last time. So keeping track of it, even mentally, helps me make time for intimacy which helps strengthen our relationship.
We take ‘snuggle naps’ together on the couch and spend time everyday just lying in each other’s arms, even if we’re just watching TV. We started this a few years ago when our work schedules finally started to coincide. I would get home by 4 PM, make dinner, Matt would come home by 5 PM, we would eat and then take a nap together before I had to go to class at 7 PM. We enjoyed this time together so much that we have continued it for years now. There is something so special about lying in each other’s arms with our bodies pressed together.
Thank you for all the suggestions. I will be using them and I look forward to sharing your blog with Matt later today. Warmest Regards…Cindy”
Thank you for sharing Cindy. Now others can begin to invigorate us with their ideas and suggestions. Blessings…Rev. Elisheva
Statistics show that 50% of all marriages end up in divorce. The number one reason is drifting apart. What does “drifting apart” mean? I’m sure that many pages can be filled with answers. When the romance is gone from the marriage the foundation of the union begins to crumble.
Romance and sex are not the same thing. But, romance can lead to sexual intimacy. And, if there is no more romance and sexual intimacy, then the marriage is dead for all intensive purposes. One might say it has entered into a business relationship even if the couples stay together in spite of everything.
Some remain for financial reasons, business reasons, or for the sake of the children. In the case of children, a happy marriage makes for a much better parent to the kids. But this type of atmosphere is not only an unhealthy atmosphere in which children might live but also destructive for the couple as well.
Most marriages without intimacy and romance will end up in divorce anyway in spite of trying to hold everything together. It is not hard to find somebody to marry, but it is very difficult to stay married. The work towards a happy marriage begins from the very second you both say, “I do!”
So, I come back to my original question – How do you keep romance and intimacy alive in your marriage especially after children are born? For those of you whom I have married, I suggest you pull out your questionnaires that you completed before your wedding day and re-read the questions and answers for each of you, specifically those questions dealing with how he/she makes you feel loved. Also, why do you love him/her?
You know the questions. There were MANY OF THEM, and your answers were powerful, uplifting and inspiring. According to those answers your marriages will NEVER FALL APART!
So, from where does this 50% divorce rate arrive? I know that mortgage payments, money pressures, seemingly endless children’s activities without help, two jobs, a bad economy, and many more things have contributed to the stress and strain leading to divorce. Sometimes one partner may escape into the computer world, or another form of seeking fulfillment, but THAT IS THE TIME FOR TALK. Don’t let it bloom into neglect! Remember - the most important thing is the love shared between the two of you. This is the foundation upon which everything else in your lives is built upon.
Here are a few tips which I give to you hopefully keeping the romance alive.
Bring home a rose or a flower outside of birthdays and anniversaries.
Float rose petals in a scented bath for two.
Place a sheet in front of the fireplace. Cover the sheet with rose petals, and light your room with candles. Then ….. (I don’t need to tell you from here )
Leave a trail of rose petals that leads towards a romantic gift.
Say, “I love you” at least once a day.
Say, “I love you” in a different language.
Throw a kiss from across the room.
Dance with each other in your own living room.
Write unexpected love notes to each other.
Hold hands while you are having a disagreement.
Plan and cook a meal together.
Give your spouse an unexpected massage.
Have a date night, and arrive at the restaurant or special place separately, pretending that you just met each other.
Be spontaneous with physical intimacy.
Engage in impulsive and romantic interludes, and rediscover each other, while you let your imagination run wild.
Thank your spouse in an email and cyber-flirt – laying the groundwork for later.
Take a shower together.
Give each other a foot rub.
First practice “sensuality” and then “sexuality.
Turn off the machines and take frequent walks and TALK.
A special note for her: (Explanation: Men have emotional needs too, and they like to hear and feel that they are appreciated. So, tell him the following things.
“I like you”
“You are the best!”
“I am so lucky that I met you!”
“What would I do without you?”
“We are a team!”
“You drive me crazy, and I’m mad about you!”
“You are so hot”
“What would please you tonight?”
“I had an erotic dream and you were in it”
“Let’s do lunch in town today, or dinner after work at (you know).”
More suggestions for both …
Dress up in a special way once in a while. Remember when you were dating you did not show up in jeans and a t-shirt all the time.
Pretend you are dating
Be spontaneous
Listen and observe
Revisit those places you loved to go to while you were dating
Listen to the music that you loved when you were dating
Try, once in a while, to do all those things that made you fall in love with each other in the first place.
Now, if there are children in your lives, it is even more important to be vigilant and aware of not losing focus of your romance and intimacy together. The few points mentioned above are just the tip of melting what MAY be the making of an iceberg. These are NOT trivial suggestions! They may simply lead to your own innovative ideas. The point is however very clear: STOP and FOCUS on your mate.
I am fully aware that I have married many of you who are closer to my age, children grown, second marriages, and a marvelous new beginning. BE KEENLY AWARE that old habits do not totally melt away as time progresses. Do not think for a moment that you can relax with a new partner and not observe the ideas presented in this little essay.
There are all kinds of ways to say it, but ONLY YOU CAN SPRINKLE THE MAGIC DUST WHICH CAPTIVATED YOUR HEART NOT SO LONG AGO. Find the magic and use it again and again.
I am interested to know of your own ideas and activities as to how you keep romance and intimacy alive in your marriages. Again, you don’t have to use your name. You can email me privately if you wish at webelisheva@gmail.com .
Conversation should always be reciprocal. Over the last two and a half years, I have posted many articles, poems and antidotes for your enjoyment on this blog. As all of you know by now, I like to stay in contact with my couples whom I have married (got to keep track of those promises … especially that breakfast in bed!).
Most of you are pretty good at staying in contact with me, especially when there is a “new addition” to the family. Others, I have to chase you down!
A few months ago, I had an enjoyable afternoon of coffee and pastries with one of my brides whom I married a few years ago. An interesting conversation took place. When I asked her how was married life different from the years of engagement, she answered, “Oh … it IS different!” Her answers were positive as to what was different, yet she could not quite pinpoint exactly how or what was different.
This bride, besides being very beautiful, is also very intelligent. She has an excellent command of English and expresses herself beautifully in the written and spoken word. But, when I asked the question, she seemed to be at a loss of words to describe exactly what was different.
So, to all of you, my ex-brides and ex-grooms, now happily married (I hope ) … I would like for you to communicate back to me what, in your opinion, is different in your lives since you got married.
Maybe some of you would rather communicate to me directly and privately via email rather than posting something for everyone to read. Rest assured, your confidentiality is of the utmost importance and secure with me. But, for those of you who would like to share with others your experiences, our blog could become a tool to solve and reflect on marriage’s learning process. And of course, once again, no names need to be used to explain a situation, or conflict or an incident which has strengthened your relationship.
Just because I am an Ordained Minister and Pastoral Counselor should not prevent you from being open, frank and honest. You all know me, and you all know I am not judgmental …. I don’t preach … I don’t try to convert anyone to any philosophy or religion. My aim is to assist in finding new avenues to make life better for all. I hope I hear from you soon. With much love and have a blessed day,
It is always gratifying when I receive an unsolicited testimonial from a newly wedded couple, who has given me their trust to create the ceremony for their wedding day. The latest ceremony (the last week of December) took place in Richmond at the historic Grace Manor House, an elegant B&B which confirmed the bride’s exquisite taste in selection for her intimate wedding.
The latest testimonial is an example of someone who is capable to express her feelings and experience so concisely. She is a beautiful woman, intelligent and a highly successful government environmental engineer.
Based on her proven professional background and her wonderfully poignant and succinct testimonial, I have no doubt about her future to decisively program those environmental projects under her direction and to secure the public good. I am so confident in her ability to explain those projects in such a manner that even elected officials can understand their importance.
Please read Young’s testimony below:
Dear Reverends,
Thank you for the intimate and personal wedding ceremony. We certainly send our warmest regards and thanks but thought we would provide a review for your use and attribution to us, as a testimonial:
If you want "flash, banality or convention" for your ceremony find another celebrant. If you desire a highly personalized spiritual but not over the top rite that will speak to you and your guests, you have been blessed. Preceding the ceremony Reverends Elisheva and T. Wade immediately put us at ease, took charge and made things flow smoothly with no hint of canned production. It was our personal celebration.
Do not be concerned with the preliminary questionnaire and inquiries by the reverend, it will all make beautiful sense on your wedding day and you will have a memory to carry until you leave the planet. John and Young 12/27/09.
When I saw this title above, it caught my attention. It set off a lot of bells, one of which is always noticeable. Namely, these studies are always about how “men are benefited by the presence of women.” Without getting into a more pointed conversation, it’s always about male enhancement to some degree. I assume you get my drift.
I receive a lot of newsletters, blog entries, and even do some searches for studies which are on-going to enlighten and/or strengthen relationships. Periodically, we even ask our network of readers to participate in a UVA researcher’s study to add to the knowledge base. You may remember the request of a few months ago regarding couples who were not yet married, and had never been married.
Actually this subject article was forwarded to me by my husband with notes to my portable computer. He said, “You see, I’m in for a very long life!” He really does believe that flattery will always get him somewhere. After reading the part about highly educated, he wondered how many more years it might add to his life that he married a smart woman who did not begin higher education until she approached sixty years of age, and then added a couple of degrees.
Of course he is always saying that he knew I had potential, but had hoped I would not learn English (the only language he knows proficiently) in order to eliminate debate. He actually thought that since English would be my third language that it would be fifty years until I really caught on. Boy was he shocked after one year.
He did add that it takes a very smart guy to know to marry a smart gal, for which he did not need a study to confirm. He is always saying something of that nature when he begins to get hungry. Some people are so predictable.
The article, which is based on a Swedish study, was posted by Dr. Mercola from his newsletter. Perhaps it may interest you, especially the male readers, to know how profoundly thankful you should be if the girl you married is empowered to take you those extra miles. The article is viewable here:
“A study has determined that for men, long life and good health have nothing to do with the man’s education and everything to do with his wife’s. Men married to smart women live longer. The effect may relate to skill at processing advice about healthy life styles and passing it on. Educated women are more likely to share their good lifestyle habits. These habits could include healthy food choices, exercise routines, and risk avoidances.”
He continued to say:
“To be married to a woman with high intellect can indeed stimulate a man and make him live longer, though perhaps it’s through daily conversation and interaction and not just through the stomach. There is another crucial factor to a healthy lifestyle and that is one’s emotional state.”
Now some of my thoughts while toying with this item. Considering how expensive it is to get affordable health insurance, men married to intelligent educated women should get a big discount. After all they live longer and are in good health, and as a result rarely having to use their insurance. Women should get an even bigger discount since they are the reason for men’s health and longevity.
Let’s for a moment imagine the law would require insurance companies to offer such an enrollment possibility. How would the insurance enrollment forms read? What would the required level of the women’s education have to be before one would qualify? Would they require an IQ Test? Would an M.D. receive a bigger discount than a PhD, and in what field? What if the new wife, highly educated and intelligent, is marrying a damaged product because wife number one lacked the qualifications and accreditations? Instead of extending her husband’s life she has caused him ulcers, high blood pressure and post traumatic stress syndrome (so he claims).
Oh my – what a can of worms these insurance possibilities would open. A whole new specialty of law suits would pop up to the delight of attorneys everywhere ready to prove to the insurance company that their client is not just pretty, but also pretty smart. Granted, she has only a PhD in Animal Hypnosis and Animal Past-Life Regressions. But according to the attorney she has the potential to keep “him” happy, healthy, and reaching an old age.
Oh, I almost forgot, the article did say that there is another crucial factor to a healthy lifestyle, and that is one’s emotional state. I guess the research on this subject is still ongoing. Is it possible that there is something more needed for longevity of the husband? And where is the research about the wife’s healthy, happy longevity needs?
Wouldn’t that require for the husband to have some kind of degree, brain and common sense? Or is one pill of Viagra enough?
I searched the internet for any studies concerning women’s needs for longevity, but I have not found anything. Not even a female version of Viagra – although they say they are in the process of working on it.
Is it just me that feels like somebody missed the boat on this whole concept of research?
When you find those studies that enhance, elevate, stimulate, invigorate, appreciate and elongate women …please share with EVERYONE! Love…Rev. Elisheva
