Statistics show that 50% of all marriages end up in divorce. The number one reason is drifting apart. What does “drifting apart” mean? I’m sure that many pages can be filled with answers. When the romance is gone from the marriage the foundation of the union begins to crumble.
Romance and sex are not the same thing. But, romance can lead to sexual intimacy. And, if there is no more romance and sexual intimacy, then the marriage is dead for all intensive purposes. One might say it has entered into a business relationship even if the couples stay together in spite of everything.
Some remain for financial reasons, business reasons, or for the sake of the children. In the case of children, a happy marriage makes for a much better parent to the kids. But this type of atmosphere is not only an unhealthy atmosphere in which children might live but also destructive for the couple as well.
Most marriages without intimacy and romance will end up in divorce anyway in spite of trying to hold everything together. It is not hard to find somebody to marry, but it is very difficult to stay married. The work towards a happy marriage begins from the very second you both say, “I do!”
So, I come back to my original question – How do you keep romance and intimacy alive in your marriage especially after children are born? For those of you whom I have married, I suggest you pull out your questionnaires that you completed before your wedding day and re-read the questions and answers for each of you, specifically those questions dealing with how he/she makes you feel loved. Also, why do you love him/her?
You know the questions. There were MANY OF THEM, and your answers were powerful, uplifting and inspiring. According to those answers your marriages will NEVER FALL APART!
So, from where does this 50% divorce rate arrive? I know that mortgage payments, money pressures, seemingly endless children’s activities without help, two jobs, a bad economy, and many more things have contributed to the stress and strain leading to divorce. Sometimes one partner may escape into the computer world, or another form of seeking fulfillment, but THAT IS THE TIME FOR TALK. Don’t let it bloom into neglect! Remember - the most important thing is the love shared between the two of you. This is the foundation upon which everything else in your lives is built upon.
Here are a few tips which I give to you hopefully keeping the romance alive.
- Bring home a rose or a flower outside of birthdays and anniversaries.
- Float rose petals in a scented bath for two.
- Place a sheet in front of the fireplace. Cover the sheet with rose petals, and light your room with candles. Then ….. (I don’t need to tell you from here
) - Leave a trail of rose petals that leads towards a romantic gift.
- Say, “I love you” at least once a day.
- Say, “I love you” in a different language.
- Throw a kiss from across the room.
- Dance with each other in your own living room.
- Write unexpected love notes to each other.
- Hold hands while you are having a disagreement.
- Plan and cook a meal together.
- Give your spouse an unexpected massage.
- Have a date night, and arrive at the restaurant or special place separately, pretending that you just met each other.
- Be spontaneous with physical intimacy.
- Engage in impulsive and romantic interludes, and rediscover each other, while you let your imagination run wild.
- Thank your spouse in an email and cyber-flirt – laying the groundwork for later.
- Take a shower together.
- Give each other a foot rub.
- First practice “sensuality” and then “sexuality.
- Turn off the machines and take frequent walks and TALK.
A special note for her: (Explanation: Men have emotional needs too, and they like to hear and feel that they are appreciated. So, tell him the following things.
- “I like you”
- “You are the best!”
- “I am so lucky that I met you!”
- “What would I do without you?”
- “We are a team!”
- “You drive me crazy, and I’m mad about you!”
- “You are so hot”
- “What would please you tonight?”
- “I had an erotic dream and you were in it”
- “Let’s do lunch in town today, or dinner after work at (you know).”
- Dress up in a special way once in a while. Remember when you were dating you did not show up in jeans and a t-shirt all the time.
- Pretend you are dating
- Be spontaneous
- Listen and observe
- Revisit those places you loved to go to while you were dating
- Listen to the music that you loved when you were dating
- Try, once in a while, to do all those things that made you fall in love with each other in the first place.
I am fully aware that I have married many of you who are closer to my age, children grown, second marriages, and a marvelous new beginning. BE KEENLY AWARE that old habits do not totally melt away as time progresses. Do not think for a moment that you can relax with a new partner and not observe the ideas presented in this little essay.
There are all kinds of ways to say it, but ONLY YOU CAN SPRINKLE THE MAGIC DUST WHICH CAPTIVATED YOUR HEART NOT SO LONG AGO. Find the magic and use it again and again.
I am interested to know of your own ideas and activities as to how you keep romance and intimacy alive in your marriages. Again, you don’t have to use your name. You can email me privately if you wish at webelisheva@gmail.com .
Many, many blessings, and happy honeymoons,
Reverend Elisheva
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