Reverend Elisheva Clegg

Blenheim Farm & Vineyards - A Spendid Place to have a Wedding!

2012-01-14T16:49:00.001-05:00

Splendid Opportunity for a Wedding!

This past Monday, January 9th, we were invited to visit a truly marvelous vineyard in Albemarle County along Carter Mountain Road. It was rainy and cold, probably the least likely time of the year for a wedding. However, once on the farm and inside several of the farm's 1800's style buildings, one could immediately sense all the possibilities for small-medium size weddings inside those cozy buildings. And it is easy to visualize the outside lawn area in spring, summer and fall with views over the vineyard.

When reviewing all of the marvelous locations for a wedding, couples now have another stunning setting near Charlottesville, Virginia from which to choose. The Blenheim Farm has several buildings for selection to accommodate various audience sizes for a wedding. There is the Main House, the Library and the

Chapel can host 20 - 25 guests

Historic Chapel. Outside on the lawn are a number of possible wedding sites near large trees. Of course there is also the opportunity to rent the entire farm for events up to 200 people.

The Blenheim Farm and Vineyards is located at 31 Blenheim Road. The first objective driving from Charlottesville is to head out toward Monticello on Highway 53. Keep driving past Monticello to the Thomas Jefferson Vineyards. Just past their entrance on Highway 53 is James Monroe Parkway. Go south 4.8 miles down the James Monroe Parkway after leaving Highway 53. You will pass Ashlawn Highland (home of President James Monroe) on the right. James Monroe Parkway becomes Carter Mountain Road at about 2.6 miles. Turn onto Blenheim Road at the new Trump Vineyard Tasting Room sign. Drive 0.6 miles to the Blenheim entrance on the left side of the road.

Historic Library

Just reading the directions should give a rather good impression of the magnificent area which is wine-growing country unequalled in Virginia.

Who says you can't dine outdoors?

Many of you reading this description and the Blenheim Farm website will be interested to know of the possibilities for business and family gatherings, in addition to weddings. Call or e-mail Kathy Del Rosso, Director of Sales and Marketing, a marvelous tour guide for planning an event. Her e-mail is kathy@blenheimvineyards.com or call her cell phone at (434) 962-4241.

Poetry Can Lift a Wedding to Very Desirable Heights!

2011-09-21T15:20:00.002-04:00

>A Wedding ceremony should reflect personal desires. I urge couples to participate in an exchange with me individually to arrive at a script which represents their objective of relating their hopes and dreams and other matters of the heart to an audience of friends and family. This short article is offered for two purposes, namely to create a desire to explore poetry in a wedding, and to simply provide a poem which is so fresh and invigorating for listeners.

I understand giving consideration to a request by a family member, but I also urge a couple to remember that it is their wedding, and there must be limits to making promises for the most important ceremony in their lives. I also strongly urge a couple not to share text of what the couple wishes and has approved. The text and the tone and the elements written to reflect passions must remain in the hands of the couple. To share text in advance with anyone else is running the risk of changes which will no longer reflect their feelings.

Most of you already know that I collaborate with the use of individual questionnaires to arrive at a draft. Then for many couples begins the additional inclusions or removal of text and even certain elements suggested. When I speak of "elements" I am addressing parts of the wedding program. Fortunately for many couples, the initial draft, based on openly honest questionnaire responses, allows for producing a product which often stands as written.

Over the years I have initially received excellent leads from couples who remember a ritual, a poem, a reading, personal vows, ring exchanges, family participation, etc. which they would like to incorporate in structuring their special ceremony. Knowing some of these suggestions in the initial exchanges can be so helpful in early writing. Providing the exact text of a poem (or scripture) for the minister is helpful, since many poems or bible verses are shortened or changed over time. Adaptations are fine, as long as they are true for the couple.

Poems and readings in the ceremony can be so meaningful. Actually there were three poems used in Holly and John Cho's wedding on September 17, 2011 at the Khimaira Farm outside Luray, Virginia. The stand-alone poem selected for their wedding was new to me. It offers an example of an opportunity for the lightness which the couple wanted to be introduced into the ceremony, in addition to aspects of the text. The other two poems were carefully integrated into opening remarks by the minister and the promises which the couple openly read to each other, as a part of their standard vows.

Of course every wedding is a serious celebration, but this wedding kept the audience smiling and enjoying. Holly asked her friend Rebecca Banks to put her special skills to the task of making the poem come alive for the audience. Rebecca was what is often referred to as the perfect reader by adding a special brightness to the ceremony.

I generally recommend that no more than two poems, or a poem and a reading, be the limit for most weddings. Poems and readings should not exceed two minutes in length. I always ask for the text in advance. This allows me to know the exact wording of the poem or reading, and thus eliminates what might be repetitious comments in the minister's remarks.

I am offering this poem as an example of bringing something new to a ceremony and to encourage exploration of poems and readings which allow the audience a deeper sense of a couple's personalities. Essentially, I am making a plea for removing the somber in a ceremony.
A wedding is a serious celebration, but do allow it to remain celebratory.

There are so many lovely poems from which to select, and they are tried and true for transition from one element to another. They should be stand-alone, heartfelt, and able to bring an added flavor. With that said, enjoy "Falling in Love is Like Owning a Dog," by Poet Taylor Mali.

"First of all, it's a big responsibility,

especially in a city like New York.

So think long and hard before deciding on love.

On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:

when you're walking down the street late at night

and you have a leash on love

ain't no one going to mess with you.

Love doesn't like being left alone for long.

But come home and love is always happy to see you.

It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,

but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time?

No! No! Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk.

It runs you around the block and leaves you panting.

It pulls you in several different directions at once,

or winds around and around you

until you're all wound up and can't move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.

People who have nothing in common but love

stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,

again, and again, and again.

But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.

And in return, love loves you and never stops."

Blessings ... Rev. Elisheva

A Romantic Checklist to Cherish

2011-08-11T16:53:00.001-04:00

Over the years I have asked and received such insightful personal notes from so many of you who needed to share the "little" things that continue to make your relationship a marvelous journey. Those cumulative little things are such a BIG part of making the journey enjoyable. Sometimes I may take a few of these notes and add some remarks; however, when someone else writes a very good summary for consideration, I will ask to extend its exposure.

The following article by Dustin M. Wax originally appeared at Stepcase Lifehack, located at www.lifehack.org. I asked Dustin if we could post it again, and he kindly said yes. It's not just a list; it's a concise checklist which all good pilots should read every time he or she senses the need to fly higher. In this case it's that checklist for securing a continuously smooth and vibrant relationship. Enjoy!

10 Keys to a Successful Romantic Relationship

In romantic relationships, as with so much else, it's the little things that count. Just as a mis-spoken word or cold look can throw a couple into a weeks-long feud, small and seemingly insignificant gestures can help keep a relationship on track. A little gift, an off-hand compliment, a moment of physical contact can vastly strengthen a relationship.

According to psychologists Nathaniel Branden and Robert Sternberg, who have both researched and written about the challenges of romantic relationships, these little displays of interest and affection can be more important than all the "active listening" and trust games in the world. Their research has suggested 10 keys to keeping both partners content, satisfied, and happy with each other.

Tell your partner you love them. Although it's true that actions speak louder than words, words often speak more clearly than actions. Take a moment every now and then to verbalize your feelings for your partner. A simple "I love you" or "You mean the world to me" can go a long way towards making your significant other feel wanted, cared for, and secure in your relationship.
Show some affection. Small acts of physical intimacy - the hand on the small of the back as you brush by in the hallway, your arm around their shoulder on the sofa, your hand on their thigh when seated side-by-side, holding hands while walking down the street - give your partner a warm feeling and convey the love and affection you feel for them. The littlest touch can be as important, or even more important, than the longest night of sexual intimacy.
Show appreciation for your partner. Let your partner know on a regular basis what it is that you like most about them - what you admire, what makes you proud, what their strengths are in your eyes. Building a romantic relationship isn't just about the initial bonding - it's about encouraging and supporting each other's growth over the course of your lives. Help your partner achieve his or her potential by constantly building them up.
Share yourself. Don't keep your likes and dislikes, dreams and fears, achievements and mistakes, or anything else to yourself. If it's important to you, share it with your partner. More than that, be sure to share more with your partner than you do with anyone else. While there is certainly a need for some personal space in even the closest relationship, give as much of yourself and your time as you can bear to your partner.
Be there for your partner. Be there for your partner. It's obvious what you need to do when your partner faces a major life challenge like the loss of a job or the death of a loved one. But it's just as important to be supportive when your partner faces life's little challenges, too - an argument at work, a rough commute, a misplaced check. Don't let yourself be a doormat, and definitely don't stand for physical or verbal abuse, but thicken your skin a little and be the voice of calm and reason when chaos strikes. Listen to what's bothering them and offer whatever help - even if it's just sympathy - you can.
Give gifts. Take advantages of opportunities to give material tokens of your love. Just the right book picked up at the bookstore, a special dessert, a piece of jewelry or clothing you noticed at the store - anything small or large that tells them you were thinking of them. Leave a love note for them, or send them an SMS at work to "I love you" - again, the little reminder that they're always on your mind will help your partner feel better about themselves and secure in your relationship.
Respond gracefully to your partner's demands and shortcomings. A big killer of relationships is unreasonable expectations. Unless you married a robot, your partner comes preloaded with a whole range of human failures and foibles. These are features, not bugs! Learn to recognize and appreciate your partner's quirks for what they are: an essential part of who they are as people. Since our weaknesses are often at the core of our deepest insecurities, make sure you don't pick on or otherwise go out of your way to highlight your partner's flaws.
Make "alone time" a priority. No matter how busy both of your lives are, make sure you commit at least an evening every week or two to be alone together. Have new experiences, share your stories, and just generally enjoy each others company.
Take nothing for granted. Cultivate a daily sense of gratitude for your partner and the thousands of little blessings he or she has brought into your life. Remember that, if you're happy in your relationship, your partner is doing a thousand little things for you every day to make your relationship work (as, hopefully you are for them). Never take that for granted - a relationship is work of the highest order, and the second you stop, it starts to slide away.
Strive for equality. Make sure you follow the Golden Rule in your relationship: do unto your partner as you would have done unto you. Strive for a fair division of household duties and other tasks, and don't expect or demand special considerations you'd be unwilling to offer in return.

Blessings .... Reverend Elisheva Clegg

Summer Thoughts

2011-05-30T07:25:00.002-04:00

Sometimes we do hesitate between blog entries, perhaps too long. The last entry of "Stop, Look and Listen" was one of those articles which needs to just linger there and allow for you to read it again, and perhaps again, and gather in the substance. However, it is time to press along with more thoughts.

Many blog entries are meant to answer direct questions from the "soon to be married," or "the just got married," or from "parents wondering what is the best route for planning." Those may or may not interest every recipient, whereas the "Stop, Look, and Listen" entry of February 4, 2011 has merit for everyone. In fact it was written to remind ME to self-reflect, and allow you to share.

So - forgive us if we don't provide a stimulating read each time to interest every one, but over the course of time, we hope our efforts will be considered as personal notes between friends. Perhaps something said will apply as you advise friends, family, children and grandchildren. Remember - this cycle of life is continuous, and the older you get, the more that YOU are the keeper of lessons to be shared. We hope in some small way to offer a few pertinent ideas, while sharing the thoughts of very real people who have graced our lives.

Memorial Weekend ...

It's Saturday afternoon as I write, just prior to driving over to our Community Garden plots in Palmyra along Route 53, which is Jefferson Parkway. It's just a 2-lane highway which is the same road which Mr. Jefferson used to travel from Monticello to Richmond and on to Washington. His travel took days, whereas our frequent trips to Richmond and DC only takes 1-2 hours. I suspect that Mr. Jefferson would have really appreciated a paved road in his days along Route 53.

I've been writing to individual friends about coming to visit, and enticing them with thoughts of cherry-picking, peach donuts, cold apple cider, and picnics out in a local orchard. We will do almost anything to attract friends and OUR children to come and visit. It is especially lovely today with so much growth occurring . So - I enclosed the websites of two lovely locations to instigate that desire to leave home for a day or two and join us in our garden or perhaps more appealing gardens in the Charlottesville area. After all, our own garden requires getting "deeply" involved.

Living on Highway 53 near Monticello already has its appeal, but meeting in locations where you can pick fruit already in season and lay back in the grass ...well ...that is appealing, so we pull out the stops with vivid descriptions.

Open the two websites in this paragraph which Mrs. Chiles sends me every few weeks. You will see why we enjoy sharing our location and opportunities. Check out www.CarterMountainOrchard.com and www.SpringValleyOrchard.com. Carter Mountain is the highest point and is the nearest to us, and provides marvelous views of our area. A site worth seeing!

Back to my more emotional thoughts for this weekend

All of this sweet growth around me does not deter my sadness regarding the devastating path which nature has dealt in Tuscaloosa, Joplin, and so many smaller places. My days as a child riding my bike through the Forest Lake area of Tuscaloosa keeps flooding back in my fondest memories, for it is one of those areas so destroyed that the landscape is only left to memories.

As I sit in a place of calmness today, the reality is that nature and its whims can bring a stop to life as we know it. It is why I tend to squeeze Elisheva more as life continues, and send out frequent notes to entice family gatherings, even if right there in their own homes.

I also remember those who have served and are serving in military and civilian roles, and those who have died or received terrible injuries. Whether by the winds of war or weather, the losses bring such a sense of finality.

I awoke this morning with my window open and a cool breeze delaying my ability to move. My sleep was shattered by two small birds carrying on so loudly as they spoke to each other about their day. I started laughing as I listened, aroused by the sounds and feel of nature coming into my day... another wonderful opportunity. Initially, I wanted to shout "Shut up!" but instead my only thought was, "Thank you!"

I took several deep breaths and remembered those who were anticipating this same joy I was feeling, but are with us no more. The joy of their being, my appreciation of their being, and my appreciation for my being can be overwhelming at times. I know that you know the feelings of which I speak.

Take a moment to review all that is given, and all that we can give, and move into your day, and those to come, with giving more and sharing more. It will lead to healing of others ... and healing of self.

Blessings ... Rev. T. Wade Clegg III

Stop ... Look ... & Listen

2011-02-04T12:24:00.003-05:00

"A word is dead

When it is said,

Some say.

I say it just

Begins to live

That day."

- Emily Dickinson, "Life"

Now - stop! Read that again, as I did, right there as you look at those words on the computer screen. Read it again. But this time, read it with the pause at the comma, and stop at the period. Give it voice! It was meant to be heard...these meaningful words. You see, it even makes one begin to express themselves poetically.

I've read this poem before, as you may have. However, most recently it was discovered as the opening to a chapter in a book I keep handy for self-reminders, entitled The Power of Two, by Susan Heitler. Dr. Heitler's book speaks to the secrets of a strong and loving marriage. It is a book dedicated to detailed explanations and strategies. If there was ever a moment in your relationship when anger surfaced, Dr. Heitler's depth of scenarios will touch into the landscape for a possible route for bringing the conflict to resolution.

The chapter which uses the Dickinson poem as a lead-in is entitled The Costs of Acting in Anger. What a high price to pay when a partner allows an irritation to spill over into anger, and cause your spouse to suffer emotionally. I remember such times, and they truly frightened me. Perhaps that is why it became so critical to be ever watchful of words which start as slightly cynical, then carelessly leak into a feel of toxicity.

You may assume that I am in pursuit of passages for origination of a wedding script when I mention such a book. You would only be partially correct. Most of the time I am simply activating the monitor in myself, seeking someone else's professional perspective in my quest to ever being the right partner to Elisheva. That link to being mindful and alert to your partner, when irritation is at play, must always quickly activate. Master the techniques which allow for maintenance of the love you know exists. Words projected by a brief surge of anger can have a long-lasting impact on your partner's feelings toward you. Curtail the risks proactively. One can build into the learning pattern one of the most important actions in route to a number of strategies, and that action is called ...STOP!

Stop when you feel angry. Stop interacting. Look, as your anger cools. Try to address the problem again. Look to expand your understanding of the situation, and leave your world of tunnel vision. Listen to your spouse's concerns. Expressing your anger constructively will be easier if your spouse also can listen constructively.

If you need to deal with the problem immediately rather than first cooling down, as you begin to feel angry, the approach may suggest a longer pause to think ahead. Remind yourself of the steps you will be taking, such as naming the feeling, conveying your concerns, asking to find out the other half of the story, then looking for solutions.

No one is saying that these steps are not subject to detours, but if your desire is truly to evaluate and prevent, start with the simple advice generally known to every driver on the road: Stop, look and listen!

The reasons which brought about the anger can be numerous. Just remember that you are almost guaranteeing that your marriage will suffer if you become angry. Heitler indicates in her book that:

"research studies now have shown that married couples who fight are at significantly higher risk for divorce. The test of a marriage's worth may be its positive times, but the best predictor of whether it will endure is the frequency of its bad moments."

Heitler also offers this:

"The costs of dealing with problem situations from a position of anger are high indeed. The power of two in anger is the power to cause harm - to yourself, your partner, your children, your marriage. The good news, however, is that you can create positive solutions to even your most longstanding disagreements. Switching from anger to mutually respectful, problem-solving dialogue can give you new levels of respect and affection for each other, not to mention better personal physical health, emotional well-being, self-esteem, and the ability to live life joyfully together."

There is a promise which we often use in our weddings. Perhaps it is one of the most prominent, although it always seems to make an audience smile, or release a self-conscious laugh. It is the promise to NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY. It falls into this discussion as a constant reminder to bring conflict to resolution quickly and soundly. It may indeed need more than a night for a very sensitive issue, but whichever strategy is needed to return to the loving mode, DO IT NOW.

Incidentally, the stanza from the poem, entitled Art of Marriage, reads,

"It is remembering to say 'I love you' at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry."

NOTICE, this is from the "Art" of marriage. The desire for creating that art, that more perfect union, requires in depth investigation.

I return to the final line in the Art of Marriage:

"It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner."

Blessings ... Rev. T. Wade Clegg III

Reader's Response to "Twelve Items or Less"

2010-11-02T11:02:00.005-04:00

In case you missed reading the previous blog entry, just scroll down below for a quick read. I am not the only one who has had such experiences, as noted in this response from Teresa Bevins, Clinical Social Worker at UVA Medical Center Pediatric Clinic.

In case there are some new readers of this blog, please know that we are deeply involved with a non-religious, nonprofit public charity which was originated to serve unmet needs for patients and families who come to the UVA Medical Center in Charlottesville, Virginia. Teresa is the coordinator for our on-going food project for caregivers in her clinic and for wider distribution throughout the social worker network in the hospital.

“Dear Elisheva,

Yes, I have experienced this many times over my 30 years as a social worker. I also experience at the hospital the same thing when non-English speaking families struggle to tell the cafeteria workers what they want to eat, or their embarrassment of not having money to eat. It is times like this, the blessings of Interfaith Humanitarian Sanctum (IHS) enable me to feed these loving parents and to reassure them through the interpreter that it is okay to ask for help. I hear frequently “Gracias,” or “Thank you,” when they realize they will be fed. Please accept my gratitude for all you and IHS do for those with the least.

Blessings…Teresa”

If anyone else has experienced an opportunity for an act of kindness, with how you or another responded, please do relate for sharing.

Blessings…Rev. Elisheva Clegg

Twelve Items or Less .....

2010-10-22T14:31:00.001-04:00

That’s what the sign says on at least one check-out lane at most grocery stores. It’s that aisle where many with only one item wait while encountering those in front of them with a basket nearly half full. It is the lane which is destined to create frustration.

I would like to bring to your attention an event which happened to me in the last twenty-four hours. It happened in the “12 items or less” check-out lane at the local market.

Perhaps you are unaware that this particular check-out lane mixes both those who have rushed in for a pack of cigarettes, or a sandwich, or that one item to prepare dinner and was forgotten. It also is the lane many elderly customers use for meeting their daily, or every other day, food needs.

So you have a mix of many young people rushing to whatever ... and many elderly who need time to review their purchase and collect coins or write a check for their purchases. It is often a very trying time for the elderly, for they are aware of those waiting, and want to be considerate, but not everything is totally in their control.

Have you never noticed an elderly woman lose her coins in the bottom of a large purse, and after a frantic search will give up and switch over to writing a check? Have you never seen an elderly person feel rushed to complete a transaction, and become anxious to the point of wanting to run away to spare others the burden of waiting.

I waited behind an elderly woman who was having just such an experience after discovering she did not have the correct change for her purchase, and had to revert to the tedious task of writing a check. While trying to speed up her efforts, she dropped her purse, and was having a difficult time bending down.

It was so evident, as I helped retrieve her scattered items from the purse, that she was about to burst into tears, so as I collected her valuables, I began to talk about whatever came to mind and assure her that this happens to everyone. “Who hasn’t dropped coins or keys, etc. while checking out? “

It is at that very critical time that intervention is in order, and kind words of reassurance are so prominent. Words such as, “Take your time, the counter is yours; you were here first.” What an easy thing to say, and how often it makes such a difference.

I found out later, when encountering this woman at her car in the parking lot, that she did not know how to use the credit and debit cards, and was totally insecure with the technology, so the check was her alternative, and even that was not a quick process. I also learned in quick order that she was alone, had lost her husband of fifty years, and that buying groceries, although a chance to get out, was becoming a challenging experience.

Most certainly I have never considered a trip to the market as a matter for feeling insecure, but please remember that this anonymous woman is not alone. There is someone in a market line right now, very much in fear of so much you and I take for granted.

There are people in line who cannot read the labels and prices associated with certain goods, and when they arrive at the “12 items or less” line, they are confronted with the embarrassment of not having enough change for a few cans of beef stew and a gallon of milk. They will sheepishly say, “Just take back the milk.”

There are mothers with small children trying to buy enough for the week on a food stamp allotment and not having enough to cover some items not included in a food stamp program. They have to leave items on the counter. Most will seek to turn their backs so that no one will recognize that they are having to use assistance. Have you never seen a sweet treat left behind with children quietly pulled away so they do not notice that it has not been purchased?

The reasons should be familiar to all of us, IF WE PAY ATTENTION. Each situation allows us to say something so simple as, “Allow me to help with that,” or “Would you be offended if I assisted with those items?”

Just keep the voice low, and allow your assistance to be directed, and not draw more attention than is necessary. You will instinctively know when to step up and make a difference. You must learn not to avoid what is so needed, when you are fully aware and next in line. You are the person who can offer an ACT OF KINDNESS.

The opportunity for the most profound acts of kindness are just as close as your local food market.

Love…Rev. Elisheva

Who Are You?

2010-07-17T15:12:00.003-04:00

We have all heard the stories about “so and so” being such a nice person – polite, sensitive, compassionate, helpful – just the perfect gentleman or lady. Mostly we hear these comments about this person from co-workers, friends or neighbors.

Unfortunately, all too often, when in counseling, I speak to the wife or husband of this “angelic” person and the opposite characteristic or behavior is described. The complaints range from impatience, sarcasm, selfishness, rudeness, short of temper, and in some cases, vulgar and nasty.

It appears there are two personalities contained within the one body. Is this a rare situation? No, I hear these complaints quite often.

An example: “He is willing to help the neighbor in moving a heavy piece of furniture, but I can’t get him to take the garbage out the door.” Or “his/her friend needs to talk, and he/she listens for hours, BUT I can’t get five minutes of attention."

The complaints and comparisons would fill up page after page if I listed all of them. The question always asked is, “Why can he/she not treat me the way he/she treats others? This is not the way I was treated before we got married.”

I get really concerned when after a while this type of behavior effects not only the couple, but is witnessed by the children and has a tremendous effect on them. Is this how married life is? How many of you have a split personality? Are you aware of the person who leaves the house, and then the person who enters the house? Are you one of those people who is possibly beginning to take their partner for granted?

I have recently witnessed a couple up close for the past three days with these exact symptoms and problems. If you meet both of them casually, or even in the workplace, believe me, they are very polite, helpful, and compassionate people. Yet, after 10 years of marriage they have lost the sensitivity towards each other, which of course has lead to a lack of respect for each other. All too easily they disperse sarcastic statements to each other, are short tempered, and in some instances rude to each other.

I know they love each other, BUT there is a quality of love. And, I don’t see the quality of love when they got married so many years ago. What happened? When I inquired, the excuses were “different work shifts, no time for each other, too many credit cards and outstanding debts,”… and the list goes on.

Are these really justifications? … Of course not! I have seen this same behavior in elderly couples and senior couples that have been together over half their lives. There seems to be a complacency setting in which has built up over the past years.

As you know, being aware of these behaviors allows one to take stock; however, the deliberate efforts to change must go far beyond simple recognition.

I would like to hope that none of the couples I have married have entered this phase as of yet. Be aware when you enter your home and see your family that you show them, not just the same respect, sensitivity and compassion, but rather ten times more because they ARE YOUR LIFE! … and why would you hurt your own life?

This is something to think about ….

While thinking about it, allow me to share a poem from A.L. Alexander’s book, Poems that Touch the Heart. This a keeper. Store it in a folder and visit it often. Love…Elisheva

The Tone of Voice

It’s not so much what you say
As the manner in which you say it;
It’s not so much the language you use
As the tone in which you convey it;

“Come here!” I sharply said,
And the child cowered and wept.
“Come here,” I said –
He looked and smiled
And straight to my lap he crept.

Words may be mild and fair
And the tone may pierce like a dart;
Words may be soft as the summer air
But the tone may break my heart;

For words come from the mind
Grow by study and art –
But tone leaps from the inner self
Revealing the state of the heart.

Whether you know it or not,
Whether you mean or care,
Gentleness, kindness, love and hate,
Envy, anger, are there.
Then, would you quarrels avoid
And peace and love rejoice?
Keep anger not only out of your words-
Keep it out of your voice.

Author Unknown

Happy Tears

2010-07-01T09:11:00.003-04:00

Some of you may be familiar with the TV series “The Golden Girls.” One of the characters is Sophia, the mother of Dorothy. Sophia is an immigrant to this country from Sicily.

When Sophia tells a story, the opening is always, “Picture this … Sicily 1920 …. “ Now, I am asking you to picture this:

A beautiful Saturday late afternoon in the month of June 2010. The scene is a lovely garden setting, beautifully decorated for an elegant wedding. The guests are of all ages and appropriately attired. The groom is handsome, trying to contain his nervousness standing there awaiting the arrival of his bride. The bride, looking like a goddess, radiating beauty and love. A Mona Lisa-like smile is upon her face; not too much, not to little – almost trance like.

After some opening remarks by the minister, the father places the bride’s hand into the hands of the groom, and takes his place next to his wife. Up to this point, everyone has displayed a spirited joyfulness.

So, why are there now tears flowing down the faces of the families and guests - even down the faces of our beautiful bride and handsome groom? It’s because the group has tapped into that well of “Happy Tears!”Those are the tears which are the pearls of the soul. Perhaps it’s that point where the smiles need a splash of added happiness, and behold, it’s a gusher and it’s contagious!

Later while preparing to leave, T. Wade was inside the house collecting our items for departure, when Abbey (age 5) came up to him while he was alone, pulled on his pants leg and asked very quietly, "Will you be my minister at my wedding?" Wade said he had to bite his lip to keep back his emotions, but assured her that he would make every effort to be present. He said the smile came quickly, but a deeper feeling was hiding with that happy little face which had just seen so much joy surrounding her. She wanted that joy in her future.

All tears are representative of some deep emotion. Some are summoned by painful, hurtful events. They come from a place of sadness. Thank God – some are flowing from our sense of the beautiful, the invigorating, the healing and the rejuvenating. They are coming from a place of happiness.

Happy tears are often seen on the faces of parents when their baby enters the world. I remember seeing young mothers weeping as they shared with friends and family the day their little one took that first step. I’m sure there are many more life experiences which create happy tears – tears of relief.

I would love to hear your stories of your happy tears. Take a moment and share with me.

Love,
Reverend Elisheva

Why I Love Anniversaries ....

2010-06-03T15:06:00.002-04:00

Every contact with friends in life can be a renewal and so invigorating. It’s an attitude!

I enjoy contact with the couples I marry. So once in a while, but especially on their anniversaries, I either send an email or call them personally. I inquire as to how is married life, and are those promises which were made on their wedding day being kept!

I refresh my memory about the couple before I contact them. I re-read their questionnaires, in which the couple expressed their hopes, dreams, goals for the future, and what lead up to the decision to get married. There are notes in my files on the couple including conversations we had before the wedding. Some of those conversations were even with parents and siblings.

But mostly, I pay attention to the promises the couple made to each other on their wedding day. So, once or twice a year, I check up on them. I am happy to say that most of the couples tell me they are doing well in upholding their promises.

Some of the feedback includes:

The purchasing of a new home
The birth of a baby
The change of occupation intentionally or non intentionally
Renewed interest in an educational path finally being pursued
Taking that much needed vacation delayed
But mostly, Planning a deliberate activity surrounding the anniversary date to honor the beginning of the most important journey they will ever take together.

For the most part, they are within reach of achieving their goals they set before their wedding day. Some of the couples admit that one of the biggest challenges has been to set aside enough time for each other, but they are aware that this has to be a priority in their marriage.

So why do I have such an intense interest in the couples I marry? It’s actually pretty simple. The more couples who are happy and loving – the more positive examples are being given to those who struggle with love and hate. Love is contagious! No one is happy with disappointments and hate. In my mind it is possible to create at least something resembling utopia. If enough examples are given of loving, caring and lasting relationships then perhaps this will have an affect on those who are discouraged, pessimistic and afraid to commit themselves in a relationship.

Am I a dreamer? YES! But everything starts with a dream and a vision. So, this is why I follow up with my couples. This is why I continue to tell them, “Don’t wait until the little pebbles of problems turn into a boulder of a problem. Call me! I married you so your happiness is my happiness.”

I also remind couples that as long as I am alive, counseling is always available without charge, sometimes in person if in Charlottesville area, but most certainly by phone and email. My invested interest is my vision of a better world which can only be created with love – not discord. So – I often say, “Call me…let’s do coffee or flavored water. Who can afford the calories over extended lunch?” Love me…Elisheva

A Special Kind of Celebration

2010-03-25T20:34:00.007-04:00

Perhaps it’s time to consider renewing your wedding vows. Renewing vows can be so meaningful, not just for yourself, but also for children, grandchildren and other family members and friends.

I hope and believe that those couples who allowed us to perform their wedding really enjoyed that special service. I say this with the knowledge that their imprint was firmly imbedded in its arrival at text and tone.

When I hand a couple their wedding book, I tell them to place it in a special place for quick access for revisitation, especially each anniversary, and recite those promises to each other. I strongly encourage planning each anniversary with special attention to themselves and to rekindle the flame. It is so vital.

However, many couples were not afforded the opportunity for some personalization, and settled on making parents happy by having a large church wedding. What they may have wanted was to exchange spiritual vows out under a big oak tree in a park or forest setting. Or perhaps they had a small civil ceremony many years ago, and now have that urge for a more festive celebration.

Perhaps the original ceremony was absolutely marvelous those many years ago, and it just feels right to face each other again with all those new faces which came afterwards, and allow them to know your happiness.

An anniversary is an excellent time to consider a vow renewal, revisiting those promises stated publicly and adding some more.

It doesn’t matter if the parties have been married, five, ten, twenty-five or fifty years. A couple may want to reflect where they have been, what they have conquered, along with their ups and downs, joys and sorrows, but mostly, where they wish to go from here.

A wedding vow renewal ceremony offers children and grandchildren a beautiful example about marriage and love, especially the love between parents or grandparents; a love that did not fade but continued to strengthen over time. In a society where 50% of marriages unravel, this sets forth a pure example to young people. A vow renewal can give hope to the institution of marriage.

Some general thoughts

A vow renewal is not a second marriage. It does not require a license. It does not require a bridal shower or a bachelor’s party. It is inappropriate to have a bridal gift registry. Of course, if friends and family members present an anniversary gift, it is perfectly OK to accept it. At a vow renewal ceremony, the couple is the host and responsible for the finances – not the parents anymore if they are still alive.

It is also not appropriate to wear a wedding gown. More appropriate would be an elegant evening gown or dress. Of course location will also dictate what to wear as well as the style of the event. Typically, vow renewal attire is less formal than wedding attire.

What about rings? Do you give each other another ring? Yes and No … Some couples have a strong bond to their original wedding rings. Some like to use this occasion to exchange new rings. You can also use this occasion to add to the existing wedding ring with another piece of jewelry commemorating the date and the event.

The receiving line after the ceremony is appropriate for larger gatherings just to make sure that family and friends get acquainted with all the guests. If the guests all know each other, then a receiving line is not needed.

A toast is a great way to celebrate a vow renewal ceremony reflecting on the couple’s continued love as well as their life and future. Since there is no bride’s maid or groomsman – anybody can step up to the plate to yield the toast.

There is no tossing a bouquet or a garter. This only applies to your original wedding. You may use the original wedding vows during your ceremony or add to the vows to include promises made since your wedding day. You may even want to prominently display a photograph of your wedding day.

The cake, or the reaffirmation cake, can be a recreation of the original wedding cake, but the writing should indicate “vow renewal.” Husband and wife should walk towards each other from the opposite sides of the room or area versus the aisle procession. Another nice touch is the blessing of the original wedding rings, or in some cases, the new ones.

If the couple is capable, they should find the original officiant, minister or rabbi who married them. If not available or desired, they should find a new qualified person. Also, a beautiful vow renewal certificate should be obtained in advance to be signed by the minister and witness.

Some events are to be treasured

There have been several memorable vow renewals in my experience. One included a ritual to introduce a new addition to the family, namely a two year old girl. Another was the most unselfish wedding in memory, when the bride included in her ceremony her parents 50th wedding anniversary. The elderly couple renewed their vows and then listened happily to the wedding of their daughter. Both were touching variations so worth celebrating with family and friends.

One doesn’t really need an excuse to get together with family, but some gatherings provide an exceptional opportunity to speak of the deepest essence of the human experience. An eternal memory is created when a couple recommits to each other and to family, and maybe for once, have family offer thoughts which have never been shared. One never knows until the opportunity is granted.

I recall a day on a Florida beach for a 25th anniversary vow renewal. The husband had literally rescued his wife and her four children from a life of desperation and abuse. They lived in a dilapidated trailer and he had come to make repairs. He cared deeply for them, and in due course, married her and nurtured the children. The four children, all grown, had never expressed their deep love and appreciation, but on this day as the sun set, each child poured out every feeling for this couple. It was an opportunity never to be forgotten.

There are so many variations on bringing this celebration to life. One must select that which has the right “feel.” So think about it! Perhaps it is time to rekindle, renew, be grateful and continue the journey in love together.

Blessings…Reverend Elisheva

Cindy has a few tips for keeping the romance alive ...

2010-02-16T10:17:00.001-05:00

In early February I sent out a blog entry entitled, “Keep the Romance Alive in Your Marriage.” In case you missed it, check it out. Almost immediately, I received a note from Cindy. Allow me to share her exact submission.

“Matt and I are celebrating our 7th year together this year (and our 2nd wedding anniversary already!), so in response to your inquiry about our ideas and activities here are a few things that Matt and I do in order to keep the romance alive.

I leave Matt notes frequently. In years past I used this as a way to communicate when we had little time together during the day. Now I use it as a way to let him know I am thinking about him. I use materials I have around the office to make little cards for him and then I write in them. He has kept all the notes I ever wrote him over the past 7 years. I don’t want him to ever think that he is not constantly on my mind.

I keep track of how often we are intimate together. Life can get so busy that too much time can pass between love-makings if I don’t consciously think about when was the last time. So keeping track of it, even mentally, helps me make time for intimacy which helps strengthen our relationship.

We take ‘snuggle naps’ together on the couch and spend time everyday just lying in each other’s arms, even if we’re just watching TV. We started this a few years ago when our work schedules finally started to coincide. I would get home by 4 PM, make dinner, Matt would come home by 5 PM, we would eat and then take a nap together before I had to go to class at 7 PM. We enjoyed this time together so much that we have continued it for years now. There is something so special about lying in each other’s arms with our bodies pressed together.

Thank you for all the suggestions. I will be using them and I look forward to sharing your blog with Matt later today. Warmest Regards…Cindy”

Thank you for sharing Cindy. Now others can begin to invigorate us with their ideas and suggestions.
Blessings…Rev. Elisheva

Keep The Romance Alive in Your Marriage

2010-02-03T17:10:00.008-05:00

Statistics show that 50% of all marriages end up in divorce. The number one reason is drifting apart. What does “drifting apart” mean? I’m sure that many pages can be filled with answers. When the romance is gone from the marriage the foundation of the union begins to crumble.

Romance and sex are not the same thing. But, romance can lead to sexual intimacy. And, if there is no more romance and sexual intimacy, then the marriage is dead for all intensive purposes. One might say it has entered into a business relationship even if the couples stay together in spite of everything.

Some remain for financial reasons, business reasons, or for the sake of the children. In the case of children, a happy marriage makes for a much better parent to the kids. But this type of atmosphere is not only an unhealthy atmosphere in which children might live but also destructive for the couple as well.

Most marriages without intimacy and romance will end up in divorce anyway in spite of trying to hold everything together. It is not hard to find somebody to marry, but it is very difficult to stay married. The work towards a happy marriage begins from the very second you both say, “I do!”

So, I come back to my original question – How do you keep romance and intimacy alive in your marriage especially after children are born? For those of you whom I have married, I suggest you pull out your questionnaires that you completed before your wedding day and re-read the questions and answers for each of you, specifically those questions dealing with how he/she makes you feel loved. Also, why do you love him/her?

You know the questions. There were MANY OF THEM, and your answers were powerful, uplifting and inspiring. According to those answers your marriages will NEVER FALL APART!

So, from where does this 50% divorce rate arrive? I know that mortgage payments, money pressures, seemingly endless children’s activities without help, two jobs, a bad economy, and many more things have contributed to the stress and strain leading to divorce. Sometimes one partner may escape into the computer world, or another form of seeking fulfillment, but THAT IS THE TIME FOR TALK. Don’t let it bloom into neglect! Remember - the most important thing is the love shared between the two of you. This is the foundation upon which everything else in your lives is built upon.

Here are a few tips which I give to you hopefully keeping the romance alive.

Bring home a rose or a flower outside of birthdays and anniversaries.
Float rose petals in a scented bath for two.
Place a sheet in front of the fireplace. Cover the sheet with rose petals, and light your room with candles. Then ….. (I don’t need to tell you from here )
Leave a trail of rose petals that leads towards a romantic gift.
Say, “I love you” at least once a day.
Say, “I love you” in a different language.
Throw a kiss from across the room.
Dance with each other in your own living room.
Write unexpected love notes to each other.
Hold hands while you are having a disagreement.
Plan and cook a meal together.
Give your spouse an unexpected massage.
Have a date night, and arrive at the restaurant or special place separately, pretending that you just met each other.
Be spontaneous with physical intimacy.
Engage in impulsive and romantic interludes, and rediscover each other, while you let your imagination run wild.
Thank your spouse in an email and cyber-flirt – laying the groundwork for later.
Take a shower together.
Give each other a foot rub.
First practice “sensuality” and then “sexuality.
Turn off the machines and take frequent walks and TALK.

A special note for her: (Explanation: Men have emotional needs too, and they like to hear and feel that they are appreciated. So, tell him the following things.

“I like you”
“You are the best!”
“I am so lucky that I met you!”
“What would I do without you?”
“We are a team!”
“You drive me crazy, and I’m mad about you!”
“You are so hot”
“What would please you tonight?”
“I had an erotic dream and you were in it”
“Let’s do lunch in town today, or dinner after work at (you know).”

More suggestions for both …

Dress up in a special way once in a while. Remember when you were dating you did not show up in jeans and a t-shirt all the time.
Pretend you are dating
Be spontaneous
Listen and observe
Revisit those places you loved to go to while you were dating
Listen to the music that you loved when you were dating
Try, once in a while, to do all those things that made you fall in love with each other in the first place.

Now, if there are children in your lives, it is even more important to be vigilant and aware of not losing focus of your romance and intimacy together. The few points mentioned above are just the tip of melting what MAY be the making of an iceberg. These are NOT trivial suggestions! They may simply lead to your own innovative ideas. The point is however very clear: STOP and FOCUS on your mate.

I am fully aware that I have married many of you who are closer to my age, children grown, second marriages, and a marvelous new beginning. BE KEENLY AWARE that old habits do not totally melt away as time progresses. Do not think for a moment that you can relax with a new partner and not observe the ideas presented in this little essay.

There are all kinds of ways to say it, but ONLY YOU CAN SPRINKLE THE MAGIC DUST WHICH CAPTIVATED YOUR HEART NOT SO LONG AGO. Find the magic and use it again and again.

I am interested to know of your own ideas and activities as to how you keep romance and intimacy alive in your marriages. Again, you don’t have to use your name. You can email me privately if you wish at webelisheva@gmail.com .

Many, many blessings, and happy honeymoons,

Reverend Elisheva

What Has Changed Since You Got Married?

2010-01-29T13:03:00.003-05:00

Conversation should always be reciprocal. Over the last two and a half years, I have posted many articles, poems and antidotes for your enjoyment on this blog. As all of you know by now, I like to stay in contact with my couples whom I have married (got to keep track of those promises … especially that breakfast in bed!).

Most of you are pretty good at staying in contact with me, especially when there is a “new addition” to the family. Others, I have to chase you down!

A few months ago, I had an enjoyable afternoon of coffee and pastries with one of my brides whom I married a few years ago. An interesting conversation took place. When I asked her how was married life different from the years of engagement, she answered, “Oh … it IS different!” Her answers were positive as to what was different, yet she could not quite pinpoint exactly how or what was different.

This bride, besides being very beautiful, is also very intelligent. She has an excellent command of English and expresses herself beautifully in the written and spoken word. But, when I asked the question, she seemed to be at a loss of words to describe exactly what was different.

So, to all of you, my ex-brides and ex-grooms, now happily married (I hope ) … I would like for you to communicate back to me what, in your opinion, is different in your lives since you got married.

Maybe some of you would rather communicate to me directly and privately via email rather than posting something for everyone to read. Rest assured, your confidentiality is of the utmost importance and secure with me. But, for those of you who would like to share with others your experiences, our blog could become a tool to solve and reflect on marriage’s learning process. And of course, once again, no names need to be used to explain a situation, or conflict or an incident which has strengthened your relationship.

Just because I am an Ordained Minister and Pastoral Counselor should not prevent you from being open, frank and honest. You all know me, and you all know I am not judgmental …. I don’t preach … I don’t try to convert anyone to any philosophy or religion. My aim is to assist in finding new avenues to make life better for all.
I hope I hear from you soon. With much love and have a blessed day,

Rev. Elisheva

A Few Words Can Say A Lot ...

2010-01-10T20:10:00.008-05:00

It is always gratifying when I receive an unsolicited testimonial from a newly wedded couple, who has given me their trust to create the ceremony for their wedding day. The latest ceremony (the last week of December) took place in Richmond at the historic Grace Manor House, an elegant B&B which confirmed the bride’s exquisite taste in selection for her intimate wedding.

The latest testimonial is an example of someone who is capable to express her feelings and experience so concisely. She is a beautiful woman, intelligent and a highly successful government environmental engineer.

Based on her proven professional background and her wonderfully poignant and succinct testimonial, I have no doubt about her future to decisively program those environmental projects under her direction and to secure the public good. I am so confident in her ability to explain those projects in such a manner that even elected officials can understand their importance.

Please read Young’s testimony below:

Dear Reverends,

Thank you for the intimate and personal wedding ceremony. We certainly send our warmest regards and thanks but thought we would provide a review for your use and attribution to us, as a testimonial:

If you want "flash, banality or convention" for your ceremony find another celebrant. If you desire a highly personalized spiritual but not over the top rite that will speak to you and your guests, you have been blessed. Preceding the ceremony Reverends Elisheva and T. Wade immediately put us at ease, took charge and made things flow smoothly with no hint of canned production. It was our personal celebration.

Do not be concerned with the preliminary questionnaire and inquiries by the reverend, it will all make beautiful sense on your wedding day and you will have a memory to carry until you leave the planet. John and Young 12/27/09.
Thank you once again.

Warmest regards,

Young and John

Men Married to Smart Women Live Longer

2010-01-06T22:43:00.004-05:00

From Rev. Elisheva Clegg

When I saw this title above, it caught my attention. It set off a lot of bells, one of which is always noticeable. Namely, these studies are always about how “men are benefited by the presence of women.” Without getting into a more pointed conversation, it’s always about male enhancement to some degree. I assume you get my drift.

I receive a lot of newsletters, blog entries, and even do some searches for studies which are on-going to enlighten and/or strengthen relationships. Periodically, we even ask our network of readers to participate in a UVA researcher’s study to add to the knowledge base. You may remember the request of a few months ago regarding couples who were not yet married, and had never been married.

Actually this subject article was forwarded to me by my husband with notes to my portable computer. He said, “You see, I’m in for a very long life!” He really does believe that flattery will always get him somewhere. After reading the part about highly educated, he wondered how many more years it might add to his life that he married a smart woman who did not begin higher education until she approached sixty years of age, and then added a couple of degrees.

Of course he is always saying that he knew I had potential, but had hoped I would not learn English (the only language he knows proficiently) in order to eliminate debate. He actually thought that since English would be my third language that it would be fifty years until I really caught on. Boy was he shocked after one year.

He did add that it takes a very smart guy to know to marry a smart gal, for which he did not need a study to confirm. He is always saying something of that nature when he begins to get hungry. Some people are so predictable.

The article, which is based on a Swedish study, was posted by Dr. Mercola from his newsletter. Perhaps it may interest you, especially the male readers, to know how profoundly thankful you should be if the girl you married is empowered to take you those extra miles. The article is viewable here:

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/12/08/Men-Married-to-Smart-Women-Live-Longer.aspx ) on December 8, 2009 in which he says:

“A study has determined that for men, long life and good health have nothing to do with the man’s education and everything to do with his wife’s. Men married to smart women live longer. The effect may relate to skill at processing advice about healthy life styles and passing it on. Educated women are more likely to share their good lifestyle habits. These habits could include healthy food choices, exercise routines, and risk avoidances.”

He continued to say:

“To be married to a woman with high intellect can indeed stimulate a man and make him live longer, though perhaps it’s through daily conversation and interaction and not just through the stomach. There is another crucial factor to a healthy lifestyle and that is one’s emotional state.”

Now some of my thoughts while toying with this item. Considering how expensive it is to get affordable health insurance, men married to intelligent educated women should get a big discount. After all they live longer and are in good health, and as a result rarely having to use their insurance. Women should get an even bigger discount since they are the reason for men’s health and longevity.

Let’s for a moment imagine the law would require insurance companies to offer such an enrollment possibility. How would the insurance enrollment forms read? What would the required level of the women’s education have to be before one would qualify? Would they require an IQ Test? Would an M.D. receive a bigger discount than a PhD, and in what field? What if the new wife, highly educated and intelligent, is marrying a damaged product because wife number one lacked the qualifications and accreditations? Instead of extending her husband’s life she has caused him ulcers, high blood pressure and post traumatic stress syndrome (so he claims).

Oh my – what a can of worms these insurance possibilities would open. A whole new specialty of law suits would pop up to the delight of attorneys everywhere ready to prove to the insurance company that their client is not just pretty, but also pretty smart. Granted, she has only a PhD in Animal Hypnosis and Animal Past-Life Regressions. But according to the attorney she has the potential to keep “him” happy, healthy, and reaching an old age.

Oh, I almost forgot, the article did say that there is another crucial factor to a healthy lifestyle, and that is one’s emotional state. I guess the research on this subject is still ongoing. Is it possible that there is something more needed for longevity of the husband? And where is the research about the wife’s healthy, happy longevity needs?

Wouldn’t that require for the husband to have some kind of degree, brain and common sense? Or is one pill of Viagra enough?

I searched the internet for any studies concerning women’s needs for longevity, but I have not found anything. Not even a female version of Viagra – although they say they are in the process of working on it.

Is it just me that feels like somebody missed the boat on this whole concept of research?

When you find those studies that enhance, elevate, stimulate, invigorate, appreciate and elongate women …please share with EVERYONE! Love…Rev. Elisheva

Mind at Work…the name of a survey worth your time!

2009-12-04T13:53:00.005-05:00

We received a note from one of our dearest friends who said that all he wanted for Christmas this year was another 300 people to assist him with a survey which he described as “one supreme project, one last potential contribution, which could turn out to be the most significant of all: my field research on spirituality.”

Daniel A. Helminiak is Professor in the humanistic and transpersonal Department of Psychology at the University of West Georgia. A Catholic priest, licensed professional counselor, and certified pastoral counselor, he holds PhD’s in both theology and psychology.

Daniel introduces his survey this way: People think differently. How does the human mind actually work? Help us to find out. Participate in an on-line survey. The questionnaire will help you think about your own thinking. And your responses will help us figure out what it is to be human. Log on at www.surveymonkey.com/mindatwork.

We took the survey and find it interesting. Read the opening introduction and then proceed. Perhaps 30 minutes of your time. Your participation is very much appreciated from a couple of friends who want to see this “supreme project” a supreme success.

Blessings…Revs. Elisheva and T. Wade Clegg III

Diversity of Couples In Love

2009-11-27T13:17:00.005-05:00

Love has no boundaries. Love is all inclusive. She is Jewish, and he is Christian. She is Muslim, and he is Hindu. She is Buddhist, and he is Baptist. She is Christian, and he is Humanist. She is black, and he is white. She is Asian, and he is Caucasian.

Of course we perform same faith, same culture and non-religious ceremonies, but this rather concise article addresses the greater diversity of couples in love. Also, the greater challenges.

Interfaith, interracial, intercultural marriages are increasing. By the time the couple stands in front of us on their wedding day, we have met many of them, and most certainly had numerous conversations and emails. Of significant importance, we have the answers to the questionnaires we provided to them.

Those questionnaires allow us to get to know a couple on a more intimate level for a personalized ceremony. In many instances we will have had conversations and written exchanges with parents and siblings. Not all situations allow for total family contact, but if we have any doubt, we simply ask the couple if they are open to contact with family members. When possible, our aim is to incorporate religious and cultural backgrounds of both families, and intertwine the elements to include, and bring those differences together, in one ceremony.

On occasion a couple enters into conversation with us with a sense of anxiety of how to please each family’s desire to have their culture or religion recognized. Sometimes, a family can cause undue pressure on a couple, as the couple seeks to please both parents. They are seeking balance , while hoping to have the ceremony incorporate their own ideas for the ceremony.

There are times when the minister must serve as the spokesperson for the couple to families, indicating the couples desire to be generous regarding family wishes. Parents may need to be reminded that their children are diligently seeking to incorporate the families, for it is a time of family bonding; but, this wedding is about the love of their children and their desires to reflect their personal hopes and dreams. THIS WEDDING will seek to personally engage and honor families, while giving priority to the couple.

It is a message which is generally quite difficult for many children to express to their families, especially when parents with strong religious or cultural leanings forget that this wedding must build a very permanent bridge between the families. Therefore the couple, with their minister, are determined to integrate as much familiarity as is possible with selected elements to reach that comfort zone for all.

There are some common denominators with these diversified couplings. Most couples have known each other for many years before deciding to get married. Both are well educated, accomplished in their professions, or highly educated for beginning their journey. Many are financially independent from each other. In a large majority of the cases, the parents are immigrants, and the children were born and raised in this country.

There is definitely a generational culture gap from parents born abroad with children raised in the United States. Couples are deeply respectful and sensitive to honor their family’s background . That objective is pursued and discussed to the degree that it allows for their own self-expression.

Most couples have found their own way of life when it comes to religion or belief, and they have developed their own new cultural rituals. It is always such a joy to realize that young people from such diverse backgrounds show so much compassion, respect, tolerance and acceptance towards the differences which exist in such a diverse culture as is prevalent in this country.

These couples have been further strengthened in finding a partner with whom each partner has determined that each can and will build their family unit through their appreciation of diversity.

Their upbringing and background has laid the foundation for such a positive development of character traits. Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone, regardless of diverse differences, could develop the ability to accept, understand, and promote love for one another as exemplified by these beautiful loving couples?

We stay in contact with our couples, and as you can see on our website, we receive baby pictures (which we refer to as our “Spiritual Grandchildren”). It is so reassuring to know that these babies will grow up in a home where the first rule of law is LOVE, Tolerance, Compassion, Acceptance and Respect.

It gives us hope for the future of humanity.

Revs. Elisheva & T. Wade Clegg III

Remembrance of Stephan Mace

2009-11-23T12:42:00.006-05:00

The bride looked beautiful and happy. The day was October 11, 2008. Vanessa, the bride, was escorted down the aisle by her son, Stephan, who was in his military uniform which he wore with pride. Standing in front of me, he presented his Mother to the groom, Richard Adelson.

Wade and I remember this day as if it was yesterday. We had such fond conversations and emails with Vanessa prior to the day of the wedding. But most informative were her answers to our questionnaire which revealed her love for her children. She would never have married anyone that would not have accepted her children and given them the love they deserved.

Throughout the ceremony I glanced at Stephan once in a while as he was watching his mom. He had this smile on his face that said, “You go mom! You deserve happiness!” During the reception, Wade and I had a little more time to talk to him at length.

He told us that he was going to deploy for Afghanistan very soon. He expressed his delight at the marriage of his mom to Richard knowing that his mom is going to miss him and worry about him so much. He was very glad that Richard would be there to support her while he was gone.

Stephan did not know when he spoke these words that, for the rest of Richard’s life, that would be his job without Stephan’s help. A year later, we were watching the evening news and hearing of the sad event in which eight of our soldiers had been killed earlier that day. No names were given at that time.

On October 21st I received an email from Vanessa in which she informed me that her son, Stephan, was one of those eight soldiers who had died on October 3rd in Afghanistan. Before I received Vanessa’s email , I was going through my listings of previous weddings to rejoice with them on their anniversary. I was preparing an announcement to Vanessa and Richard of congratulations on their first year. And, of course, I was about to ask how Stephan was doing, and when was he coming home.

I didn’t have a chance to send this email. One can only imagine the pain a mother feels and endures from the experience of losing a child. Nobody can truly understand, unless they have experienced it.

Stephan’s home town didn’t hold back in their support for Vanessa and her family. The funeral procession was shown on television as it progressed through the small town to the funeral home. Thousands of people lined the streets and paid homage to this fallen soldier of 21 years of age. He was buried at Arlington Cemetery with full military honors.

I can’t get Stephan’s smiling face out of my mind. I still see him escorting his mother across the grass on a perfect afternoon. I can still hear his voice telling Wade and me, “I will be fine.”

I will not make any political statements as to my feelings about this war. But one thing I know – this should NOT have happened! Such a promising young man – such a great personality and character – caring, loving, compassionate – I know this because I spoke to him during the preparation of my writing the ceremony. His mother’s happiness was SO important to him. He wanted her to have peace and love.
We will always remember Stephan.

Blessings…Elisheva Clegg

Marriage Research

2009-11-18T11:42:00.004-05:00

I was asked by doctoral student, Cristina Reitz-Krueger, for assistance with her web-based study of engaged couples. This will only relate to a few couples who are not yet married; however, I would like to encourage those particular couples to read the blog entry and participate. Cristina is a researcher in the University of Virginia Department of Psychology.

Thank you…Rev. Elisheva

Engaged volunteers needed!

I am looking for volunteers for a study of attitudes towards marriage and parenthood among engaged couples. The study consists of a 25-30 minute online survey. To qualify for the study, you must be 20-35 years old, live in the U.S., and plan to marry or have a commitment ceremony within the next 365 days. You and your romantic partner must not have children, and this must be the first marriage for both of you.

You can:

Help a doctoral candidate;
Increase the pool of scientific knowledge;
Support research on marriage and families; and
Spend some time thinking about your relationship!

I am working with Dr. Charlotte J. Patterson, a Professor of Psychology at the University of Virginia. This study has been approved by the University of Virginia Institutional Review Board #2009025800.

If you and/or your romantic partner are interested in participating or want further information, please email me at survey.couples@gmail.com. I will send you a link that you can use to access the study.

Thanks!

Cristina Reitz-Krueger
Doctoral Student
University of Virginia
(434) 243-8558
survey.couples@gmail.com

Modeling Humility, A common goal for believers and non-believers

2009-08-29T07:58:00.006-04:00

This blog entry was provided by Rev. T. Wade Clegg III

Chambers Pocket Dictionary defines humanism as “seeking, without religion, the best in, and for, human beings.”

From an article in Dale McGowan’s book, “Parenting Beyond Belief,” (pages 123-125) Shannon and Matthew Cherry said, “That’s really how we see our job as parents: seeking to bring out the best in our children so that they can have the best in life.”

The article goes on to state, “The humanist tradition in the West has its roots in the Ancient Greek ideal of cultivating human excellence. There are many principles needed to bring out the best in people. But there is one value that keeps coming up in our discussions of how we raise good kids: respect.”

Their article is much more personal than this summary of thoughts. Still borrowing direct quotes from it, the Cherry’s reflections on teaching pride and respect to their twin daughters as a humanist family is valued information for all.

They go on to indicate that “respect means treating the world around us – and everyone in it – as valuable. It also means self-respect, or pride. They emphasize raising their girls to respect themselves, their surroundings, their pets; to value families, friends and neighbors. They don’t just mean an attitude of respect, but respectful behavior. They said that they see too many people who boast all the tolerant opinions required in a liberal society, but don’t actually accomplish much with their lives.”

They say, “Most challenging of all will be teaching respect for people who have different values – even people with beliefs we think are daft and behaviors we fear as dangerous. Philosophically, respect is at the heart of the major systems of morality: from the Golden Rule (treating others with the same respect with which we would want them to treat us) to Kant’s Categorical Imperative (that we must always treat people as ends in themselves and not merely as means to our own ends). “

The Cherrys point out that “philosophy won’t cut it with our infant girls. Their big blue eyes are constantly watching and learning from us. What matters to them is not the philosophy we preach, but how we practice those lofty principles.”

They continue, “To teach them respect, we need to model the right behavior. ‘Do what I say, not what I do,’ is not only unfair but just doesn’t work. Sooner or later, children see through hypocrisy, and will lose their respect for you or copy your hypocrisy – or both.”

The many paragraphs to follow are directly from the article, and there is no reason not to quote extensively, for they are excellent points to consider:

“It all sounds good on paper, but in reality it can be hard. That’s why, as parents we work on respect every day. It’s in the little things…

It’s when we volunteer for social justice groups or do the shopping for an elderly neighbor.

It’s when we are waiting in line, and see an opening to cut ahead of others. Even though our girls may be too young to realize it, we do the right thing and wait our turn – though waiting in line with twins gives you both motive and excuse to jump ahead!

And it’s in the big things…

It’s making their mother create a successful public relations business that allows her to work at home, while helping other women pursue their business goals. This shows the girls that with hard work, women have choices – many choices. And they can choose the options that work for them.

It’s making the choice to live in an urban – not suburban – neighborhood, where diversity reigns and people of all races, beliefs, classes and sexual preferences live together. When we sit on our stoop with our girls – along with the cats and dog – we talk with everyone, including the men living in the halfway house, the politicians, the families, the old, the young, and the homeless.

The girls will realize early on that living downtown isn’t always an episode from Sesame Street. Seeing disrespect out in public will open the door to interesting conversations around the dinner table about how we feel it was wrong and what we can do. And yes, having dinner together, with conversation, is another of our family goals.

Modeling respect means that we need to set a high standard for ourselves as parents. But we’re only human, not saints or superheroes. So when we screw up, we will need to admit it, apologize to everyone affected by it, and correct the situation to the best of our ability.”

I pause to interject, in case the reader does not realize that the Cherrys are a humanist family and religion does not play a role in their family. Yet, all of these comments should ring loudly and true regarding “respect,” whether one is a believer or not. Too often, both believers and non-believers are too quick to simply pre-judge and disregard the fact that most of our values in raising children are the same.

Continuing with quoted material from the Cherry article:

“Sure, God isn’t watching us – but our children certainly are!

We believe that the best foundation for respecting others is respect for oneself. Once our girls value themselves, it’s easier to teach them to respect their possessions, family, friends, and the world around them. We want them to have compassion, courage, and creativity, but to do that they need to develop a fourth C – confidence.

The Ancient Greeks taught that pride was a virtue; indeed, Aristotle said it was the crown of all the virtues. Yet many religions treat pride as a sin – especially for women and girls- and this attitude has seeped deep into our everyday culture. Maybe that’s why educators and parenting books use long-winded synonyms for pride, such as “self-confidence” and “self-esteem.” Pride may be the virtue that dare not speak its name, but all the children’s experts agree that “self-esteem” has been grievously neglected in our society.

Raising confident girls means encouraging them to explore their potential. Fulfilling their potential will take ambition, hard work, and deferred gratification; it requires self-discipline. We expect confident children to enjoy their accomplishments: They will have earned it. This kind of justified pride is very different from hubris or arrogance, with its overconfidence and disrespect for others.

The recipe for instilling self-confidence is well known. Every day we give our girls opportunities for success and the praise them when they achieve it – though it’s important to respond with genuine appreciation, rather than just rote flattery. When they struggle, we help them face their challenges. When they fail, we help them cope with their defeats and learn from them.

In reading about how to raise children with strong self-esteem, we’ve noticed that humanist values are emphasized again and again. For example, teaching children to critically examine their opinions and giving them the freedom and responsibility to act on their choices are among the best ways to build self-esteem.

Again, modeling plays a role as well; as parents, we celebrate our individual successes and when faced with a problem, help each other find a way to get through it. After all, it’s what a family is really about.”

I felt it was necessary to provide extended parts of an article from a family whose children are deeply loved and where parental devotion to their well-being is as deeply held as any Christian family raising their girls.

I suspect if the opening paragraphs were edited for most Christian parents ( and I use Christian since that is the majority of believers who will read this blog) then the description would read as “seeking through our religion the best in and for human beings.” In regards to what Christian parents might say, I feel rather positive that they also see their job as parents as “seeking to bring out the best in our children so that they can have the best in life,” plus there would be additional comments regarding guidance from God through Jesus Christ.

I do not for a moment believe that most Christian parents would remove the central value of this article, namely to raise good kids who value “respect.”

Dr. Dale McGowan, author of “Parenting Beyond Belief,” says “co-existence does not mean silent acceptance of all consequences of religious belief. To the contrary: Silence and inaction in the face of dangerous immorality is itself immoral. We have to engage religious people and institutions in just the way we wish to be engaged ourselves, as co-participants in the world.”

McGowan added, “We should reasonably but loudly protest the intolerance, ignorance, and fear that is born in religion while at the same time reasonably and loudly applauding religious people and institutions whenever charity, tolerance, empathy, honesty, and any other shared values are in evidence. An important part of this is recognizing that not all expressions of religion and not all religious people are alike.”

Importantly, he emphasized, directing his comments to a secular humanist reading audience, “Be sure to help kids recognize that the loudest, most ignorant, and most intolerant religious adherents – whether raving radical Muslim clerics or raving radical Christian televangelists – do not represent all believers, nor even the majority. “ McGowan also said, “The majority of individual believers are decent and thoughtful people with whom we have more in common than not.”

McGowan’s words are encouraging, as are the efforts of the Cherrys to raise their girls in a free American society, predominantly religious. The fact is; that is their right, and their children should feel the same security of right to not believe as religious children already feel. That sense of security for religious kids of course comes from their large communities, which reinforces their sense of belonging and has the opportunity and mandate to instill respect.

That sense of security can be facilitated by Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, ALL religious people of good faith by allowing that this country can only continue to exist when community comes first. Conversion may be the mandate for many religious folk, but without communion, there is only dissention, and you can forget about conversion. Give respect a chance.

I came from a small Alabama town with every conceivable Christian denomination and a large Jewish population. I was a free thinker, though fully indoctrinated in a singular denomination, but every single humanist value in this article was integral to being a Christian in the old Southern Baptist Church. I did not know what the words humanistic values meant, while all along practicing them. Of course I was soaked in dogmatism, but all of those universal vaIues were what it truly meant to walk the Christian walk. I did know, as I still do, that when one asked: Are you doing God’s will? I answer, if by God’s will you mean man’s well-being…YES …Definitely!

Final notes: Dale McGowan’s book is entitled “Parenting Beyond Belief,” a valuable education. Some essays will displease some readers who are believers, and also some nonbelievers, but for the open –minded, it’s an exercise in learning of the Humanist perspective from nonbelievers of all stripes.

The author states that “there are many good ways to raise children, with or without religion.” Since children are our future and most precious commodity, if there is no religion in one’s life, or your children’ lives, then learn the best alternatives for instilling the values that count for a solid citizen of the world. The book will make you fully aware that “Religious parenting or not, without critical thinking, there is no progress.”

If one is determined to instill fear in a child through distrust of everyone not in their community, that child will crawl through life, handicapped, and never sense the freedom to run. Allow me to close with the final sentence in an essay by Dan Barker: “Religious or not, the best parents are the ones who prepare their children for this world first.”

Blessings…T. Wade

May 2009 Notice and Project Alert

2009-05-18T15:08:00.005-04:00

This one page notice provides latest participation in support of the UVA Medical Center. If you have not read our initial 4-page handout either by mail, or in the blog entry here("We're Back and With a Powerful New Vehicle for Good') last month , then please go to the article below this one for a thorough review.

Beginning in April, now in May, we are funding two accounts in the UVA Medical Center Office of Social Work. One account pays for co-pays for Pay Range 1 (indigents) and the other account pays for local bus tickets for this same group for return home across town. These were unmet needs which encompass many local patients, but simply needed our earliest participation. It was simply too alarming to know that a patient could receive prescriptions, and not be able to meet the smallest co-pays, and then not have money for a bus ticket home in Charlottesville. We started where the need seemed most urgent, and we will fund these accounts monthly.

We have begun to assist those patients and families who cannot afford the $10 per night lodging offered by UVA Hospitality House. The first family stayed almost three weeks. It was a situation which involved three women visiting a dying brother who did not have the funds to stay during his last days. Our help allowed them to remain nearby at a pivotal time during their family’s sadness.

Project Alert: We received a request from UVA Medical Center’s Director of Social Work for support for the Wise, VA Remote Area Medical (RAM) clinic. Noel Dianas-Hughes asked if we could provide funds to support vouchers for medication (narcotics) for pain control, especially for dental work at the RAM from July 23-26, 2009. Support of up to $1000 is needed. Vouchers are issued by pharmacists to patients at RAM that cannot be issued on site, so the patients can obtain their medications at area pharmacies in Wise, VA. Last year over 2,600 were treated in the fairgrounds at Wise, mostly by volunteer medical personnel from UVA Medical Center. 200 team members will be at RAM in July.

Your tax deductible contribution with a check for $10, $25, $50 or more, can quickly meet this need. For your convenience you may use our PayPal Donation button located on the “Donate Now” page by clicking here: http://www.interfaithhumanitariansanctum.org/donate.php .Remaining funds will be directed toward the other accounts.

We’re back with a Powerful New Vehicle for Good Works

2009-04-24T10:56:00.011-04:00

When there is a long silence on a blogsite, one begins to wonder what is happening. The last entry was December 8, 2008 from T. Wade with his “A Personal Note to Myself.” That note was a bit of self-reflecting about an important new phase in our efforts to really make a difference, as a family, in our community.

There is a point in life when one is walking the talk, and it can be very consistent; but, then there is that vital intersection when one must LEAP! This message is about our faith in our contacts and friends and all others who feel the compassion for those truly faced with burdensome challenges in our community.

We can and have established a vehicle, a charity, and placed ourselves in the marketplace to channel an opportunity for others to make a difference. Our initial handout (4 pages) was printed and is available. That item is now presented for your further review with more facts and figures. It follows this introduction. I know this is a lot of reading in one blog offering, but initial education with substance is needed to sense the good works which this represents. And this my friends is the best idea we have had in years!

Last December was that point where we were having discussions with the University of Virginia (UVA) Medical Center Department of Social Work, Chief Chaplain, UVA Hospitality House and Ronald McDonald House, along with other supporting staff. Those discussions were about the numerous unmet needs which existed for those patients and visiting families who arrive in Charlottesville with meager means, often without funds to balance lodging, food, travel and even co-pays (for patients in what is known as pay range 1, indigent category).

There was agreement that another helping hand could be a tremendous help in filling the gaps. So – T. Wade and I decided to move to a new level of involvement, and start the process for a new charity, a non-religious, nonprofit, no stock organization to raise funds to “weave a new safety net.” It needed to be registered with IRS for allowance of donors to receive tax deductions. This is vital for a private person or company to be able to donate and receive that deduction in order to continue a sustained contribution.

Such an undertaking is a considerable challenge, and preparation has been rather consuming, but we are ready to serve for the years ahead. We now need for those who appreciate this community and the marvelous institution which is the University of Virginia and its Medical School teaching center and trauma center to provide a sustaining gift monthly to allow for relief for so many being served by the medical professionals.

The last months have been dedicated to establishment of Interfaith Humanitarian Sanctum (IHS). This is the new charity. It has a website, thanks to Sam McLawhorn, who has joined us in a full time capacity as needed, also without pay, to make this safety net strong. It has a list of valued advisors, all with intimate knowledge of our objectives and first-hand knowledge of these unmet needs for patients and visitors to the hospital. The list of people making valuable contributions are many, but the leadership list is located on the website at www.InterfaithHumanitarianSanctum.org.

Please be aware that we have several websites, but our charity efforts are from IHS as described above. Therefore, it is vital that e-mail from IHS is recognized as being from us, and not be routed to junk mail.

Please know that our initial involvement has begun. As of April 2009 two accounts have been opened in the UVA Department of Social Work. One account is receiving a monthly IHS check to cover co-pays for pay range 1, and the other account is for purchase by that office of transit tickets for these same patients to return home across town. It is a beginning, and will be sustained. NOW – we must move toward assistance with lodging.

Let me tell you about a family with a patient in the hospital who is 20 years old, and dying of cancer. I will not be specific in this description, but his two older sisters and mother arrived with funds for one week to be with the patient. They only had funds to support themselves for one week. The doctor indicated that they needed to arrange a stay for about two more weeks, but they simply could not fund for lodging and food.

Fortunately, UVA Hospitality House (HH) received an opening for them for the extra two weeks, but they still did not have funds to pay for the $10 per night room rate. IHS sought and received consideration for the extra weeks and will pay for lodging, and has also given the family food money for a few days until more access is available to them at HH.

This is only one family which desperately needed these final days with their son, their brother. We were able to lift the stress of how to fund these valued days. We simply must allow this opportunity to repeat itself for future families.

Before we leave this initial blog message and present the handout for your further reading, allow me to return to the pages of A.L. Alexander’s marvelous book of poetry, “Poems that Touch the Heart.” There is a poem which has rippled down to us through the years and most of you know of it, but perhaps not the entire poem or its author, James W. Foley.

This lovely poem echoes through us as we go forward with this new charity. What we all drop into the pool of contributions to make good works happen will ripple through the hearts and minds of those served, and create a ripple which they experienced when they had a need to visit a small town in central Virginia. Charlottesville will be a point of many ripples, because kindness flows from this center of compassion.

Thank you… and enjoy James W. Foley’s poem and please read the new handout which follows. You will learn much more and feel secure with our appeal.

Drop a Pebble in the Water

“Drop a pebble in the water; just a splash, and it is gone;
But there’s a half a hundred ripples circling on and on and on,
Spreading, spreading from the center, flowing on out to the sea.
And there is no way of telling where the end is going to be.

Drop a word of cheer and kindness; just a flash and it is gone;
But there’s a half a hundred ripples circling on and on and on.
Bearing hope and joy and comfort on each splashing, dashing wave
Till you wouldn’t believe the volume of the one kind word you gave.

Drop a word of cheer and kindness: in a minute you forget;
But there’s gladness still a-swelling, and there’s joy a-circling yet,
And you’ve rolled a wave of comfort whose sweet music can be heard
Over miles and miles of water just by dropping one kind word.”

******

Interfaith Humanitarian Sanctum, Inc.

"Weaving a new safety net for patients and their families at UVA Medical Center who need temporary assistance with lodging, food, travel expenses and co-pays."

A personal appeal from Rev. Elisheva Clegg, Interfaith Minister, Pastoral Counselor, M.A. and Chaplain Volunteer, UVA Medical Center, Charlottseville, VA ... and founding member of Interfaith Humanitarian Sanctum, Inc.

Last year I began conferring with UVA Medical Center’s Director of Social Work and the Chief Chaplain, along with other supportive staff. They confirmed that there is a growing population of hospital visitors (both patients and family members) who arrive in Charlottesville with meager means, often unemployed and not insured.

These visitors, mostly families clinging to hope as a loved one lingers in critical status, face a gigantic balancing act to pay for lodging, food and travel. There are also patients who arrive for appointments for diagnosis and treatment. All are seeking to balance their health care needs with the cost of basic necessities.

It was determined that there are four major categories of unmet needs: lodging, transportation, food and co-pay assistance.

Where shall I start?

In February 2009 alone, UVA Medical Center Department of Social Work received requests for lodging from 61 contacts (individuals and families) who could not be accommodated. Those 61 contacts were unable to obtain lodging at the UVA Hospitality House (HH), with its $10 per night room rate (plus 4 very reasonable rental suites). Why? Because they did not meet certain qualifying guidelines:
> Age restrictions: 20 > Multiple family members: 11 > NO vacancies: 30

UVA Hospitality House (HH) and Ronald McDonald House (RMH) offer the most affordable room rates. Their professional caring staffs work diligently to assist guests. Total rooms at HH: 31. Total rental suites through HH: 4. Total rooms at RMH: 18. These same assets experience frequent full occupancy, and due to limited capacity, have necessary restrictions.

Let’s do the math: Using February 2009 as an example, that’s 732 contacts who will be directed elsewhere for lodging in 2009!

Where do all these people go?

Some will opt to use their funds for the most reasonable hotel rooms for as long as the money lasts, and sacrifice other necessities, especially eating. Some families must go home and leave the person who needs them for support. Some will huddle in the hospital lobbies, and waiting areas, all day, some with children… until night… and then…they will all sleep in a car somewhere near the medical center. Many will snack on crackers and soft drinks, and try not to risk their gas money for return home.

These are not the homeless, although many face an economic crisis due to their health care needs. The situation I am describing is so diminishing, so desperate, so depressing…yet so few outside of Social Work, Chaplaincy, and perhaps nurses and security personnel know the sadness which surrounds this healing center, when there is no fund, no alternative for immediate lodging, food, travel and co-pay money for prescriptions.

WAIT…there’s more!

A growing patient population in the indigent category (verified pay range 1) can not afford their co-pay for prescriptions. All too often, prescriptions are simply not filled. Let’s do the math: There are about 50 monthly requests for co-pay assistance for which there is no fund. That’s no less than 600 requests for 2009!

There are also 45-50 monthly requests, according to Social Work, for gas or transport funds for those over 60 miles away. Let’s do the math: That’s 600 requests for 2009! In addition there is also a need for transit system bus tickets locally.

The Department of Social Work has very limited funds for providing food assistance. Out of necessity these hospital visitors are directed to Charlottesville Soup Kitchens. The other alternative is a one-time weekly box from the food bank accessible through Embarq; however, the food box is more suited for preparation in a kitchen.

“We sincerely believe that once the facts are known, there is no need to create an emotional appeal. Isn’t one member of a family in crisis enough suffering? Must the entire group endure unbearable circumstances just to be supportive?”

Don’t forget about the annual RAM Clinic…

There is a group of patients referred to the UVA Medical Center each year following a screening at the annual Remote Area Medical (RAM) Clinic in Wise, VA. Last year the RAM Clinic treated 2,600 people over a 3-day period at the Wise Fairgrounds. Most of the professional volunteers (doctors, nurses, social workers, technicians) are from Charlottesville. Last year over 50 people at the RAM Clinic were referred to the UVA Medical Center.

The RAM patients can not afford a doctor appointment in their community. Their only option is that one-time annual review in a fairground. Therefore, when a critical diagnosis and treatment is referred locally, that unemployed and uninsured patient still must make decisions regarding travel, food and yes, even lodging, when Hospitality House is full. The number of patients from RAM Clinic is always subject to increasing numbers.

What about Ronald McDonald House?

This facility is available to families who have a child patient in treatment. There is a reasonable fee, and the professional staff is outstanding. There are some restrictions, but the families who stay at Ronald McDonald House (RMH) tend to need lodging from one week to many months. When RMH is full, many families will not have anywhere to stay for extended periods.

Try to imagine a mother who is a guest staying at RMH with several other children, some back at home with a relative and little support, having to stay in Charlottesville for many months, while one child awaits a heart or lung transplant. She is asked to stay near the sick child as much as possible, and yet the other children must be monitored as they accompany that mother every single day. The stress can be over-whelming even when everyone at RMH is bending over backwards to find ways to assist. This is a typical family dilemma at RMH.

There were 40 requests to stay at RMH in February 2009 who had to be referred elsewhere because the facility was full.

Interfaith Humanitarian Sanctum, Inc. (IHS)

This new independent charity partners with, but is not affiliated with, the UVA Medical Center. Our immediate objectives are easily understood, namely to raise funds for all the unmet needs herein described, but we remain open to filling larger gaps as the need presents itself.

“This charity was formed expressly to seek to be another helping hand, another safety net, for the overflow of UVA Medical Center patients and their families in need of temporary assistance for lodging, food, travel and co-pays.”

The value of your tax deductable contribution of
$50.00 will support one night of commercial lodging for a patient’s family…
$100.00 will support one night lodging and meals for 2 days for a family…
$150.00 will support one night of lodging, 2 meals for 2 days and gas for return home.

Where we must go and why

To reduce dependency on commercial lodging, which is costly and subject to availability, especially in summer, over holidays and on evenings or weekends of large UVA events, IHS has a long-term vision.

Our Vision is a permanent location, preferably a farm, which can be developed for consolidation of the overflow of lodging and food needs, for both short-term and extended periods.

Imagine a pastoral setting with dedicated buildings and staff to (1) meet the physical needs of UVA patients and their families with lodging and food service; (2) counsel and care for the psychological and spiritual needs of guests; (3) develop an active farm to meet the food needs of our guests; (4) provide a guest-friendly, outdoor environment, for relief of stress on all family members, especially for children; (5) make available as a community space for weddings, memorials, funerals, meetings, concerts, whereby all fees derived would be dedicated to maintaining the charity’s location and its programs.

Please visit our website and note that our volunteer advisors and officers are intimately familiar with our goals. We anticipate paid staff only when a permanent location dictates professionals on site. Your consistent tax deductable donations to IHS will establish that the Charlottesville community, with all its advantages, extends a compassionate, helping hand to its visitors with the greatest need.

Interfaith Humanitarian Sanctum
P.O. Box 163,
Palmyra, VA 22963

Website: www.InterfaithHumanitarianSanctum.org
Ph: (434) 591-0700 e-mail: info@interfaithhumanitariansanctum.org.
Alt Ph: (434) 589-4864

A Personal Note to Myself

2008-12-17T13:45:00.007-05:00

Hello Wade,

Do keep in touch and allow me to know how life is progressing. Talk to me; I will hear you. If it feels like it's not progressing, then you are not involved enough in it.

I look around often and check to see if all my limbs are working, that I can still run, that I can speak without stuttering, that I think above average with interest, and I do listen, and I know there are people who care about me. With this start and many more assets, I also realize that there are people around me who have never known all of these marvelous blessings ... and I am the person in their path who can be a friend.

"When the giving begins...the heart changes gears and pumps exhilaration into those empty spaces. Be abundant with your giving. That gratifying after-taste in your mouth is the receiving. To give is to receive. Do not expect a nod or an acknowledgment; just smile inside and offer a thank you for the opportunity to experience this level of a fully functional, spiritual existence."

I do believe it is an evolutionary process which is a part of human development, for peaceful co-existence is a very selfish process. It preserves all of us and it feels so very correct. It allows for promoting the best in all of us and places our productive qualities into action. It is the only way which will preserve this fragile species and allow us time to move beyond this planet and out among the stars when this place called Home is exhausted or placed in jeopardy by natural forces which will visit.

We will all be a part of that group so far in the future who takes the next leap. We will have placed a tiny seed into a stranger's will to reach out and take a hand and touch and care, and direct energy outward to others in that long chain of curious, loving children who will follow. We will not receive a nod or acknowledgment from that band of explorers. We won't have to...for we know now our importance to their journey. NOW is what we have and it is everything.

Do forgive me for this extended reflection, for I am delaying your journey; but it just came to my fingers, and I believe YOU are a vital part of NOW.

Stay involved NOW where you are. There are so many who have need of YOUR caring. This is one truth of which I am confident. Rest assured that I am here to remind YOU of your singular importance to the NOW. Stay focused and embrace the opportunity.

And, if you ever have a doubt...talk to me. I am listening. Love...Me

Reverend T. Wade Clegg III

Begin with a Question

2008-11-10T13:02:00.003-05:00

Q. And why sir have you come?
A. I have come to raise your level of expectation.

Q. But sir, our expectations are acceptable.
A. I regret to inform you that you have accepted expectations at a very low level.

Q. But sir how can you tell such is the case?
A. I have listened to your children at play, at work, at study, at your dinner table.

Q. And sir what is not acceptable about them?
A. Your children have settled into certain repetitious patterns which you find acceptable and pleasing, for they are meeting your expectations.

Q. And sir, is that not acceptable?
A. If you were to ask each of your children each night at the dinner table about their expectations and what would they do to raise their effectiveness at play, at work, at study, with their playmates...what would be your expectation?

Q. Sir, I have not offered this opportunity, but rarely.
A. Then you have the opportunity to take that which is rarely done and make it a constant companion. The very question will raise within each child that opening that even your expectations are not low, as might be perceived by lack of stimulation.

Q. Sir, you must be a good Christian or Muslim or Jew or Hindu or Buddhist or some other sect?
A. I am a traveler who sat at the table with good human beings as a child, and even now as a man, and discussed this topic of raising expectations ... first within ... and the natural progression which leads to sharing the idea with others.

Q. And sir, what is your expectation of me?
A. Make that which was rare and so valuable a daily practice. Ask the question.

by Reverend T. Wade Clegg III

Response from a Reader on "The Necklace"

2008-08-31T15:07:00.007-04:00

Sometimes you receive comments about an article which needs a response. It would be nice to respond directly to a human being and not someone who felt it necessary to hide behind the name "anonymus." The following was sent in response to the story of "The Necklace" published last month. Our Reverend T. Wade felt an answer was needed further explaining the story and it's intended purpose.

ORIGINAL COMMENT from "Anonymus"

"Man did you ever miss the point of the story.The story was a metaphor...We are the little girl...We work and work and waste our lives on junk. We are so afraid of giving it away...and eventually most of us die with crap that was always worthless...When our savior Jesus died for us, he was the pearl of great price.This little bit of crap that I hold in my hands keeps me from loving Him because I love it more.When I let go...He, Jesus, my savior replaces all the worthless crap of my life with true riches, with true life, with true hope. (What kind of minister are you anyway...(apparently not one that reads her Bible)"
August 27, 2008 11:55 PM

HERE IS REVEREND T. WADE's RESPONSE:

Dear Anonymous,

Perhaps you should have constructed a story which was less sappy than the one which I received to be passed mindlessly along to others. Yes, I know quite well that this was a metaphor, although very poorly conceived and constructed. I also know that any religion, which has as its mission a conversion aspect, constantly offers stories to lead one in a direction, but this story was a metaphor of Daddy "coercion" at its worst. It's a story of a relentless attack on a tot with no rhyme or reason, just submit, submit, submit or disappoint Big Daddy. Surely this reached you at some gut level? Or perhaps not.

There was no junk in this little girl's world. She had a treasure. No one explained anything! You evidently want the message, which you perceive as being portrayed to be recognized, while ignoring the damaging aspects of the other metaphor in the poor conception of this tale. From my observation this was clearly a misguided dad (god) and his subject (the tot) was being harangued relentlessly without any idea of why.

It sort of reminds me of that story (now where was it?) where this couple eats a fruit from a tree, when told specifically not to do so. Two supposedly innocent first people with built-in exploration chambers in their fresh new brains who had never been corrected for anything and knew no dangers awaited them, and low and behold, ate the whole thing! Wow, then the "know little or nothings" learned what Big Daddy was all about, when hell was unleashed. Does that sound like a metaphor for the old rabbis who needed a tale to wow the masses and keep them in tow? You bet it does!

I am not a Christian, yet I recognize clearly when a story needs scrutinized. For God's sake, do not insult a loving god with such trite stories as "The Necklace...A Beautiful Story." Please learn not to give credence to everything that seeks to be instructive, when it's clearly diminishing. You pointed out your beliefs in a few sentences much more than the writer of the beautiful story, and without a metaphor, and without dragging a child into the valley of sin.

Had the story not been presented to me as a plea to pass it along, as if I agreed with it in totality, I would not have commented. You may feel free to circulate such mixed messages in your arsenal of conversion techniques, but there are messages which need considerably more thought in what is actually striking the reader. This story falls into the genre of “child abuse.”

Most of the Bible is a metaphor, but that will not set well with most fundamental literalists. The first book is a marvelous metaphor. Most Jews understand this, while most Christians take it literally as fact. There are literally hundreds of men and women who teach at bible colleges who do not understand metaphor at all. It doesn't exist in their bible. You might spend some time educating them with some direct remarks.

If you are going to portray a loving, caring God, then don't kill the dreams of a little girl (meaning all children...that's a metaphor) with or without reason. Pick another route to exercise deliverance. Use a grubby adult who has, as you repeated, so much crap in this life. Not an innocent child who from my perspective is sinless, but won't know that she was born full of it… until this Big Daddy works his ways.

I am delighted that you personally have found something or someone, in this case, Jesus, to provide your life hope. There are indeed some grand precepts attributed to Jesus, words which Thomas Jefferson tore out of his Bible so they could be isolated and appreciated without the babble which reduced the impact of the messages.

Perhaps you will get the point of my reaction. Tell your story, allow it to resonate where it will, tell it without insulting your God and yourself, and quit allowing coercion as a major instrument in your tool box, especially toward children or adults who are child-like. The weakest link in the Christian chain, and some other religions, is the constant repetitiveness of coercive techniques of their children, who will rebel in due course upon bringing reason into their lives, and after years of exposure to the multitudes who present hypocrisy in daily doses.

There is a precept which still rings with me from many years ago, and it is borrowed from Thich Nhat Hanh, one of the world's most respected religious leaders. It is certainly not a precept which finds favor with Christian parents, yet it is an honest appeal. It reads, "Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education. However, through compassionate dialogue, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness."

Bring a little more kindness into the stories of your God, and walk the walk. Perhaps the actual "walk" will begin to reduce coercive techniques upon the children, because the talk (and so much written materials) is too corrosive.

Thanks for the note. Sincerely....Reverend T. Wade

Link to "A Most Lethal Weapon - Words"

2008-06-09T10:29:00.004-04:00

Please take a few minutes, as time allows, and go to Reverend Elisheva's entry for this month on the new interfaith ministry wikizine, Zimbio.com. The article is entitled "A Most Lethal Weapon - Words." It is an important read.

There are forces at work which are very destructive, and some are extraordinary in their harshness. Elisheva has taken time to explore and outline some very revealing information which may shock some readers. The entry on the internet magazine, Zimbio.com, is being used since the BLOG entries are generally used for much shorter, more concise entries.

Your attention to the article at: http://www.zimbio.com/interfaith+ministry is appreciated.

Blessings,
Reverend T. Wade Clegg III

Book Marks

2008-06-09T10:00:00.009-04:00

A Poem by Reverend T. Wade Clegg III

When there is
knowledge gained
and
wisdom obtained

be not hampered
and
subdued.

Allow yourself
to stretch
and
grow
or you will never know

the incredible
capacity
which is YOU!

My Personal Reflections

When I was a small boy, the favorite gift which came my way was a book or a bible. I really enjoyed receiving books, and they were always inscribed with personal notes from friends or relatives. I even received bibles from my grandparents which offered family birthdays and complete names for many past generations. Even to this date, I still reach for my Grandmother Della Daisy Clegg's Bible for a family reference regarding a cousin's full name and birthday.

Sometimes these old books or bibles, passed along to me, had little newspaper clippings. Memorial announcements, weddings, favorite poems and scripture, even pressed flowers, would be lodged in chapter after chapter. I still look through old books and bibles in used book stores, hoping to discover some momento important to the former owner.

I have books with personal handwritten notes from the 1800's. I am still sharing the heartfelt expressions from the giver of the book to its recipent ... but now I am the holder of the book and privileged to share in the original experience.

I began to think about what to leave in my favorite books to be passed along to my children and grandchildren. What tidbit of knowledge or inspiration could I offer? I doubt that I will ever produce a book of my own, although that possibility might occur; however, I stumbled upon one method whereby I can be in everyone's book, even if they did not intend my presence. I thought, "I will simply impose myself upon the great authors by inserting myself in between the pages, and affiliate myself with their productive influences."

Some years ago I began to write "book marks" with my own little bursts of inspiration for consideration. The little poem above is just such an item. The thought simply popped into my head while reading a marvelous book. So I made this book mark (like so many others) and placed it at the page which had so much meaning for me. I hoped that one of my children or grandchildren would come across the book mark and think, "I wonder what made granddad leave a marker at this particular page?" And I imagined that he or she would be stimulated to read the section closely and perhaps return to Chapter One and enjoy the entire book. It seemed like a really good idea.

Reading is such a marvelous pleasure, and perhaps these few paragraphs will stimulate you to write your own poems or thoughts or humor, and then provide marvelous books for the next generation to discover, while also discovering you, tucked in between the pages.

What a fantastic find! Don't you think so?

The Human Core of Spirituality

2008-05-12T19:10:00.002-04:00

Basis for a Global Community
Daniel A. Helminiak
University of West Georgia, USA
World's Religions after September 11: A Global Congress
Montréal, Québec, Canada September 11-15, 2006

The goal is to propose a basis for structuring a global community. Whereas in earlier times individual religions held together their separate and isolated societies, today the encounter of different religions leads to misunderstanding, animosity, and outright violence. Rather than being a solution to the fragmentation of the human race, intense religious commitment and even belief in “God” have often become the problem.

Nonetheless, today as in earlier times, only shared beliefs and common values could ultimately support community—and beliefs and values are spiritual. Thus, emphasis on some generic spirituality, not particularistic religion, must be the solution.

One approach to implementing this solution would be to start with the religions. Sorting out the generic spiritual aspects of the religions—such as the Golden Rule—from their particularistic dimensions would seem to provide a spiritual basis that transcends all religions and cultures. However, it is doubtful that a viable basis could derive from the religions themselves—because religions are many, their beliefs and values differ, they base even this-worldly claims on metaphysical ones, and, certainly as regards their metaphysical claims, it is impossible to adjudicate the differences. Besides, building on the religions would leave out non-religious people and secular institutions.

Therefore, that basis must be something that all religions, cultures, and peoples have in common. Such universal commonality could only lie in the very humanity that all people share. From the point of view of human attempts to structure a global community, the basis must be human, not divine, religious, or culturally specific. Appeal must be to the human spirit and its innate structures and exigencies. Only these could provide a common basis on which to structure a global community of the third millennium.

The challenge, then, is to elaborate the human spirit and to say exactly what spiritual and wholesome spirituality mean. Bernard Lonergan's analyses of intentional consciousness, or the human spirit, provide a remarkably rich elaboration. He was the late Canadian philosopher-theologian whom Time magazine called the Thomas Aquinas of the twentieth century. On the basis of "self-appropriation"—that is, attentiveness to the workings of one's own mind—Lonergan describes a dimension of the mind that is inherently self-transcending. It is an open-ended dynamism that expresses itself as wonder, questioning, reflection, and choice and that, in the ideal, would not rest until it understood everything about everything and in universal love affirmed all that is truly of value. Such an achievement could only result from openness, insight, honesty, and goodwill, for by their very nature close-mindedness, foolishness, dishonesty, and malice provide no basis for a secure and expanding future. The unfolding of the human spirit depends on unavoidable and inherent requirements. In Lonergan's words, four "transcendental precepts" define genuine or authentic humanity: "Be attentive, Be intelligent, Be reasonable, Be responsible." These are the exigencies of the human spirit even as meanings and values—or beliefs and ethics, or understandings and commitments, or truth and love—are its products and its hallmarks.

Granted that the human spirit is of this kind, it would appear that spirituality regards, first and foremost, the on-going integration of the inherent human spiritual capacity into the structures of the personality. Spirituality is deliberate commitment to the self-transcending dimension of our minds, and its goal is increasing sensitivity and responsiveness to this same dimension. Further, it would appear that this human spiritual capacity is the source of knowledge about Transcendent Reality and the origin of society, culture, and organized religion. It would also appear that the role of religion is precisely to foster spirituality. Therefore, any religious beliefs or practices that curtain or prevent the unfolding of the human spirit would have to be judged inauthentic, spurious, misguided, wrong. Thus, emphasis on spirituality that is grounded in the make-up of the human being would seem to provide a universally valid basis for genuine human community and the criteria of genuine spiritual pursuit.

From other perspectives, others have arrived at a similar solution. The advantage of relying on Lonergan's analyses is their thorough-going rigor, exhaustive detail, and philosophical depth. Lonergan thematizes that very human "instrument" that generates cultures, religions, and systems of meaning and value. Thus, his position seems to be immune to post-modern criticism, which itself is an expression of the human spiritual capacity that is focus of Lonergan's analyses.

Just as a single humanity expresses itself in a variety of wholesome and colorful cultures, so, too, such "generic spirituality," grounded in a single humanity, could express itself in a range of religious diversity. Apart from concern for other-worldly or metaphysical possibilities but from the more urgent point of view of this-worldly living, the religions of the world and all people of good will, religious or not, could rally around this core spirituality. Thus, a shared set of beliefs and values, those that foster life, would provide the basis for a global community.

To the extent that the particularities of specific religions violated the core human beliefs and values, if attentive, intelligent, reasonable, and responsible, the religions would have to acknowledge that their teaching was askew: If these teachings do not foster richer life and deeper spirituality in this world, how could they be of God or enhance a life to come? In light of an emerging global community and the encounter of differing religions, it is only to be expected that the religions would be led to adjust and purify their teachings and, thus, better serve their adherents. Any religion unwilling or unable to follow this course could hardly claim to be authentic either before humanity or before whatever Transcendent Power there might be.

This non-religious and non-theist understanding of spirituality applies to secular institutions, as well. It calls them to respect and foster the inherent spiritual dimension of humanity. They might do so under the urging of the united voices of religious agencies and individuals and of non-religious people of good will.

This via media respects religious concerns in that it insists on spirituality, and it respects secular concerns in that it imposes no specific religious position. As in traditional societies, the religious and the secular could once again be healthily integrated, and the whole of society would be spiritual. Appeal to the human spirit—not to revelation, tradition, culture, God, or religion—could provide a universally valid spiritual basis on which to structure a global community. Required for the successful deployment of this urgent project are only the honesty and good will of the religions, nations, businesses, corporations, agencies, and people in our world.

Major Resources on Bernard Lonergan

Lonergan, B. J. F. (1972). Method in theology. New York: Herder and Herder.

_____. (1990). Understanding and being: The Halifax lectures on Insight (E. A. Morelli & M. D. Morelli, Eds.). Collected Works of Bernard Lonergan (Vol. 5). Toronto: University of Toronto Press. (original work published 1980)

_____. (1992). Insight: A study of human understanding. Collected Works of Bernard Lonergan (Vol. 3). Toronto: Toronto University Press. (original work published 1957)

McCarthy, M. (1997). Pluralism, invariance, and conflict. The Review of Metaphysics, 51, 3-23.

Application of Lonergan's Analyses to Generic Spirituality

Helminiak, D. A. (1987). Spiritual development: An interdisciplinary study. Chicago: Loyola University Press.

_____. (1996). The human core of spirituality: Mind as psyche and spirit. Albany: State University of New York Press.

_____. (1997). Killing for God's sake: The spiritual crisis in religion and society. Pastoral Psychology, 45, 365-374

_____. (1998). Religion and the human sciences: An approach via spirituality. Albany: State University of New York Press.

_____. (2005). A down-to-earth approach to the psychology of spirituality a century after James's Varieties. The Humanistic Psychologist, 33, 69-86

_____. (2005). Meditation without myth: What I wish they'd taught me in church about prayer, meditation, and the quest for peace. New York: Crossroad.

_____. (2006). The role of spirituality in formulating a theory of the psychology of religion. Zygon, 41, 197-224.

_____. (2006). Sex and the sacred: Gay identity and spiritual growth. New York: Harrington Park Press.

_____. (2008). Spirituality for a global community: Religion, pluralism, and secular society. New York: Rowman & Littlefield.

Related Works of Similar Emphasis

Dalai Lama (1999). Ethics for the new millennium. New York: Riverhead Books.

Elkins, D. N. (1998) Beyond religion: A personal program for building a spiritual life outside the walls of traditional religion. Wheaton, IL: Quest Books.

Holloway, R. (1999). Godless morality: Keeping religion out of ethics. Edinburgh: Canongate Books.

Küng, H. (2001). Global responsibility: In search of a new world ethic. New York: Continuum.

Küng, H., & Schmidt, H. (Eds.). (1998). A global ethic and global responsibilities: Two declarations. London: SCM Press.

Kane, R. (1994). Through the moral maze: Searching for absolute values in a pluralistic world. New York: Paragon House.

Mustakova-Possardt, E. (2003). Critical consciousness: A study of morality in global, historical context. London: Praeger.

The Gift

2008-05-06T16:24:00.013-04:00

The tale of the vase began at a very important wedding in a storybook place some time ago. Following a lovely ceremony, the request was presented to the audience for anyone wishing to offer words of comfort or learning to now state those wishes to the couple.

There arose from the crowd an elderly man, who had come alone. His name was not known to the couple, but he had a presence of being The Wise, and his nature was soothing to all. He walked to the couple and asked for both to hold forth their hands...into which he placed the most gorgeous handmade vase.

The Wise then said, "There is in this setting an excess of goodfeelings of love and caring. The overflow which is so abundant will now enter this vase. You will place this vase and all that it contains in a prominent place in your dwelling, and there it will remain."

The Wise added, "The vase is by itself a beautiful object from this memorable day, but it now contains sustainable ingredients of the most important celebration in your lives. It is the host of the love and caring which originated with your union."

And then The Wise said, "The challenges will be many in your marriage, and understanding may experience strain. You may inadvertently say or do something which diminishes your partner, and hurt may permeate your being and bring stress to your partner. Then - the one who has caused stress will go to the place of the vase, and place a flower into it. The bloom will draw sustenance from that which is within the vase, and the flower's fragrance will sweep through your dwelling and reach your inner senses and allow you to know that the transgressor seeks forgiveness and a return to love. The one who forgives will also place a flower into the vase as a signal that a renewal is secured."

Then The Wise added one single blessing: "May the vase never know occupancy, but if it must, may the flowers remain for the shortest duration, and find their way to other vessels."

The vase was released to the couple and The Wise departed. No one knew who he was or from where he came, but the vase was to become a cherished and permanent reminder to the couple, who lived joyously for fifty years and died peacefully within days of each other.

What is known and passed along in the history of the family is that the vase never was used in the life of the couple. They knew the art of communication and the knowledge of each other's heart, and never allowed the vase to bear the burden of disenchantment.

When the couple died, their children went to find the vase, but it had disappeared. Their intention was to bury the vase with the couple, for it was their most valued possession.

On the day they were buried in a place not so far away, a wedding was in progress and at the end of the service, when the audience was asked to offer a blessing...there arose an elderly man who came forward with a gift.....

- Reverend T. Wade Clegg III

The Necklace...A Beautiful Story! OR IS IT?

2008-04-12T13:14:00.000-04:00

Just some observations from Rev. T. Wade Clegg III

The following story originated with someone I do not know and was then transmitted by someone I do know, hoping to provide what they believe to be inspirational. However, like so many “seemingly” inspirational offerings which I receive, I seldom pass them along. I often wonder if such stories are really being read, and more importantly, I fear that this particular story which is aimed at adults might actually be passed along to children as a worthwhile message. You be the judge.

The Necklace…A beautiful story!

The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

“Oh Mommy, please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?”

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl’s upturned face.

“A dollar ninety-five. That’s almost $2.00. If you really want them, I’ll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday’s only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma.”

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to her neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere, Sunday School, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny, “Do you love me?”

“Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you.”

“Then give me your pearls,” said Jenny’s dad.

“Oh daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember, daddy? The one you gave me. She’s my very favorite.”

“That’s okay, Honey, daddy loves you. Good night.” And he brushed Jenny’s cheek with a kiss.

(Forgive me for interrupting, but does this sound like a Grimm tale with that wolf? Sorry, but it just struck me that daddy is really toying with little Jenny)

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny’s daddy asked again, “Do you love me?”

“Daddy, you know I love you.”

“Then give me your pearls.”

“Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper.”

“That’s okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you.”

(Forgive me for interrupting, but I am almost exhausted having to read and write this gibberish again…my desire to jerk the hair on Jenny’s dad’s head is almost unbearable!)

And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss. A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

“What is it, Jenny? What’s the matter?”

(Forgive me for interrupting, but can you imagine that this “daddy” has no clue why little Jenny is weeping! WOW, this guy needs therapy!)

Jenny didn’t say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, “Here daddy, this is for you.”

(Forgive me for interrupting, but just as Jenny started to quiver, I screamed, “NO JENNY, DON’T GIVE BIG DADDY THE PEARLS!! He has no sense of the sentimental value to you! You worked, you saved, you took Grandma’s dollar and invested in those pearls. ASK HIM WHY HE NEEDS THEM SO BADLY! But… it was too late.)

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny’s daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny.

He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.

(Forgive me for interrupting, since I needed to settle down and catch my breath. When Big Daddy started to weep, after the family made little Jenny earn her own birthday pearls (with the help of Grandma’s pension), and then saw no shame in brow-beating little Jenny with guilt, night after night, to let go of her precious pearls…well I had to stop writing for just a minute. I HAD NO CLUE THAT BIG DADDY WAS A BANKER, AND CHEAP STUFF IS NOT ALLOWED, NO MATTER HOW MUCH MORE VALUABLE IT MAY BE TO A FIVE-YEAR OLD CURLY HAIRED LOVING CHILD.)

(AND NOW THE MORAL OF THIS BEAUTIFUL STORY)

So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures. God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place. God bless… (The end)

No more interruptions; it’s sadly over. Little Jenny has been coerced over the weeks and burdened with so much guilt that she gives up those pearls and gets the real thing. Daddy did not tell her WHY he wanted those pearls, and little Jenny is just FIVE, and not old enough to ask some simple questions. No rhyme or reasons, just Daddy wants those pearls. There needs to be suffering for little Jenny with all that guilt in route to getting her Mercedez. It makes it all worthwhile with the suffering. After all without the suffering and guilt how would she know? Know what? Poor little Jenny may lose her Mother tonight, and Big Daddy will provide someone better. Seems logical.

Something is terribly wrong with this story. If there was a desire to relate a lesson of learning, this was not it. WHERE is the unconditional love in this sobby tale? There is so much simplicity packed into this story, and sadly these are the stories which are almost never questioned upon receipt. They are just labeled, “a beautiful story.”

My dear lovely readers…please take stock of what you are NOT questionning, and talk to your children when they come home from Sunday School or church, and allow them to hear (as Paul Harvey said so well)…THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY.

There is so much more to say, but not today. These thought-provoking stories of guilt, shame, suffering little children with worthless stuff, and a God who will not tolerate cheap pearls, just keep coming, so I need my rest to read them all, and know when to delete. AMEN.

Beautiful Locale for Weddings & Ceremonies

2008-02-26T11:26:00.000-05:00

It is not often that we write a special entry to promote a business or person, but sometimes, something comes along that requires mentioning. When a couple confronted with all the planning and excution of the dream wedding, we know this can take its toll .

So when something comes across my path as a wedding minister, which is exceptional, I like to pass it on to my friends. I know most of you are married already, but maybe there will be a friend, family member or vow renewal in your future in need of a locale.

The place I'm speaking of is called "Khimaira Farms" located in the beautiful rolling mountains of Virginia near the town of Luray. You may explore more information about Khimaira Farms at their website located at the following: http://eventsatthefarm.com/

The contact person is Linda Campbell (email: linda@Khimaira.com) who is a very professional and delightful coordinator. The feedback we have had from couples, so far, has warranted this information being passed to you today.

Blessings, Rev Elisheva

Poem by Reverend T. Wade Clegg III

2008-02-16T15:23:00.000-05:00

The mirror reflected a mark,
just over my heart

An old wound,
still painful to touch

No, not painful
at the entry point

But just below
at the center of my being

There, where love was ...
and is no more.

Oh wake me,
please wake me

Let me shed this skin
and dream again

And gaze into that mirror
no blemish will I see

There, where love is ...
and will forever be.

From the thoughts of Reverend T. Wade Clegg III

2008-02-16T15:14:00.000-05:00

Then - is it not absolutely logical that the most powerful emotion within the human condition will energize a room, and two observors will experience the full influence of these magnetic waves. Perhaps this is the lightning which has been so often expressed in metaphors over time eternal, when true lovers meet. If only this were enough to sustain a relationship; that explosive rush which leaves knees weak and tongues tied. This is the beginning, yes, but the depth of the magnetism to sustain requires constant nourishment, constant observation. In the act of commiting to one another in the acceptance of marriage, each observor is aware that love is sustained by attention. The act of commiting clearly indicates that this unknown force which drew this couple together will be sustained because of their openly declared intention. This intention will influence and continue to energize and from it the most powerful result in creation will result in the human effort. It is called oneness.

Incorporating Children into the Wedding

2008-01-13T10:43:00.000-05:00

Allow us to cut to the chase for those of you who have been married, and have children. The diversity of situations, and with different ages, can lend itself to many chapters; but the core of the matter is that this wedding is the formation of a new family with a whole new set of dynamics.

As an Interfaith Minister and a Pastoral Counselor, I use a questionnaire to learn about a couple and their backgrounds. This generally offers an abundance of information which leads to in depth discussions.

Sometimes couples do not allow for adequate time to engage through our questionnaires, but I do not let this matter go unanswered even if our discussion is solely by phone and e-mail. The subject of children, their ages, their acceptance of the new parents and perhaps new brothers and sisters, the present role of birth parents and their acceptance of the new bondings; these are just a few of the matters which need discussion. Inattention by the couple to the feelings of children can lead to disastrous situations.

While most wedding ministers may not be fully equipped for counseling, a couple should consider a formal counseling session, if the minister has qualifications, or seek advice from a family counselor, when the wedding minister is simply hired as an officiant. The couple must allow their excitement to blatantly reach out and engulf their children. They must use the words, “This is as much about you as about me," and show that they mean it.

Children may hide their feelings, or in some cases with the very young, they are simply confused. They are often caught in a game of shuffle between parents who have arranged for weekly and monthly visitations. Many still have the expectation that there will be a return to their previous home with birth parents, and the reality of that not happening only comes forth the day of the actual wedding when a new parent is added to the mix.

I recall vividly when one very professional couple married in their lovely new home. The bride had two teen boys; the groom a teen girl and an eight year old boy. They wanted the kids involved with entry, handling rings, candle-lighting, etc. Although it was not planned, all four children remained next to each parent as full participants during the entire ceremony.

I changed the words in the ceremony and made their involvement very prominent. From the time the service began, the oldest teens – the boy from the bride and girl from the groom - both cried almost constantly. Nothing awkwardly disturbing, but quietly as if the loss of their past lives was breaking their hearts. The other two kids were just confused and held on to their older siblings.

The couple was totally surprised by these reactions. They had not anticipated or prepared for this emotional scene. Indeed, it was learned from one of the grandparents that the distraught boy had been told by his Father that he would never marry again, giving the child hope of reuniting with his Mother. However, the Father had broken that promise and married someone else, and now the final blow was his Mother's wedding.

I spent some time privately speaking to the kids. Each set of kids liked the new parent and appreciated the new friendships. They were just not as prepared as the couple for celebrating the wedding. I gave each child my phone number and asked each to call me if they needed to talk. Their parents had consented to this involvement and the kids sensed that I had an understanding of their feelings.

I remember another couple, the groom without children, and the bride with three little ones, all boys. The wedding was in a small home with family, and the boys were so excited to have a Father. I asked the couple if the children could participate for they had not discussed it. Once the boys were asked, they became very excited and the couple realized how important this wedding really was to the children.

I devised simple little things, even if it meant coming up and holding hands, and placing hands all together over rings. During the ceremony the youngest boy grabbed my leg with both arms and just held on, as we continued. He was all smiles, and when it came time to hug and kiss,everyone wanted in on this special action. The words, “You may now kiss!” will forever have such heartfelt meaning for that family.

The conversation, the ceremony, the rituals, the mention of new and extended grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and a special invitation for all to come forward after the ceremony and greet the kids with their new titles, is such a marvelous opportunity to reach out and touch.

The opportunities for inclusion are many. Use the ceremony to make each child feel special. Once again, the magic word is “inclusion!”

Ideas for the Inclusion of Children:

1. First and most prominent is for the couple, separately and then as a couple,to initiate conversation with the children and the couple's desire for the children to be involved in the wedding. Suggest that until consultation with the minister exactly what this may entail is open for discussion. Listen to their feedback.

2. During procession, children could escort Mother down the isle. Children may accompany Father during his entry also. Children may remain with couple during the ceremony. In one wedding a teenage son escorted his Mother to the minister and was asked, "Who presents this bride?" The boy said, "My brothers and I." Just sharing.

3. Children may take the lead in the procession, preceeding the Maid of Honor/ Groomsmen and stand with them during the ceremony. Children can replace Maid of Honor and Groomsmen and stand with their parents. It may have merit to consider how to involve the children first and then fill in with other participants.

4. Children can be given a special gift during the ceremony, i.e. a special necklace or bracelet (something intimate) with a date/notation engraved, accompanied by, as desired, a special message or statement by the couple. Sometimes this is a most emotional moment, and simply a hug and "I love you," is quite powerful.

5. Children can be involved in a candlelight ceremony. They can light, or be assisted in lighting, smaller candles, which in turn lead to a unity candle concept. Bridesmaids and groomsmen can be designated to assist smaller children.

6. Children may wish to speak to the couple during the ceremony with a prepared message or reading or poem. This is not an infrequent occurance when teens are involved. Perhaps this idea is best offered as an option for consideration by the minister to children. One of the most moving two minutes in a ceremony in my experience was delivered by a 12-year old girl, an only
child, who wanted to express her happiness for having the bride as a Mother. It was after this message that the couple presented her with a gift.

7. Children can be integral in a presentation of a rose to each parent, who can then present each rose to their new spouse. This exchange of roses, which can take place following the pronouncement, would then represent the first gift from one spouse to the other as husband and wife, and the children's participation is tied to this first gift.

8. Children can be involved in the ring ceremony in a variety of ways, serving as holders of the rings, and presenters.

9. Children can participate in a ritual which can be originated around a blessing of the hands of the couple. Sometimes a hand-binding ritual, which can involve a stoll or ceremonial band, is wrapped around the couples' clasped hands, and then the parents of the couple will place their hands on top as the minister offers a blessing. This can also include the children, or remain
relegated to the children. Sometimes...the more the merrier!

10. The above are generally known ways to include children; however, there are so many imaginative innovations. Your wedding will set the tone for this new and vibrant family's future.

Poems That Touch The Heart

2007-12-16T10:32:00.000-05:00

From Rev. T. Wade Clegg III

This is the name of Radio Broadcaster A.L. Alexander’s collection of poems from his popular radio series which began on March 31, 1935, known as “Good Will Court.” Later in 1937 Alexander produced and presented to a nationwide audience the Court of Human Relations, also known as A.L. Alexander’s True Story Court.

Since discovering this treasure chest of poems, selectively chosen by A.L. Alexander, the book has remained one of my main sources for weddings, funerals, memorials and for the pleasure of reading. There is no doubt that the collection affected thousands over the years throughout the 1940’s into the 1960’s. Since its first publication there have been twenty-five reprint-ings. From 1956 - 1961 there were five more printings of a revised and enlarged edition. Fortunately my copy is one of the enlarged editions.

In the Introduction to the book, Alexander offers the following: “The object of the program (also called the Mediation Program) was to educate the public to the existence of a method by which grievances, when submitted to a board and approached tolerantly and sympathetically, can be heard and settled with a minimum of delay, with justice, with impartiality and, in most cases, with finality.”

He went on to explain, “Whatever any or all of the broadcasts had or did not have, there was one feature common to all of them. Each had the capacity to start the community thinking and therefore prepare the ground for the advancement of progress. Because of their realism and human interest they touched the heart and often inspired the desire for reformation. All were related in the sense that they grew out of the same basic purpose and human need.”

Alexander noted, “There was one other feature common to all of these programs, the custom of concluding each of them with an appropriate poem.” He added, “I have always had the conviction that poetry of a human and simple nature satisfies a hunger that is part of nearly every person’s make-up. Such expression served to point up and summarize what had been said in the more general way on the program proper, and I found it the most gracious and effective way of bringing the hour to a natural and logical conclusion.”

In the future when I use a poem from the A.L. Alexander collection, I will provide his comments about the impact of poetry in his radio programs and the initial skepticism from editors and broadcast executives. Alexander said, “Tens of thousands from every conceivable walk of life wrote of their being lifted up by a simple verse having the capacity to inspire patience of heart or rekindle hope and faith.”

The collection has had the same impact upon me. Perhaps you will begin to understand how a poem can strengthen your life, and why it is such a pleasure to have you join me over the next few years as we read “Poems That Touch The Heart.”

OL’ CLOTHES

The Junk Man passed the house today
And gave his call in his plaintive way,
“Ol’ clothes!
Ol’ clothes!
Ol’ Clothes!
Any ol’ clothes to throw away?
Any ol’ dishes …any ol’ plates,
Any ol’ pants or hats or skates,
Any ol’ kettles or pots or pans,
Any ol’ bottles or ol’ tin cans,
Any ol’ dresses or any ol’ shoes,
Any ol’ things that you can’t use?
Ol’ clothes!
Ol’ clothes!
Ol’ clothes!
I searched the house and made a heap
Of things that I didn’t need to keep,
Outworn garments and out-read books,
Clothes that had hung on rusty hooks
For the dust to grime and the moths to chew.
And thus the old made way for the new.
I thought, as the old man went his way,
How grand it would be if every day
The Junk Man passed the house to say,

“Ol’ woes
Ol’ woes
Ol’ woes
Any ol’ woes to throw away?
Any ol’ grudges…any ol’ hates,
Any ol’ miseries or sad ol’ dates,
Any ol’ sorrows or any ol’ spites,
Any ol’ fusses or feuds or fights,
Any ol’ sighs or any ol’ tears,
Any ol’ wishing for yesteryears,
Any ol’ quarrels or any ol’ frets,
Any ol’ tears or ol’ regrets?
Ol’ woes!
Ol’ woes!
Ol’ woes!”

Author Unknown

Our Greatest Treasures and Ideas to Protect Them

2007-12-14T14:59:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am speaking of children. At this joyous time of year, when families are out and about and in a festive mood, there is often a sense that everyone in the park, stores, malls, churches are all joined in one devoted attitude, namely a giant family affair.

This harmony can be shattered so very quickly, when a parent turns to speak to their child or grandchild and that child is not present. Distraction for a brief moment without keeping the child insight can leave an opportunity for those who are at the gathering for one purpose only...to take a child.

Our entire life as parents and grandparents has been one of zealous monitoring; however, that same attention is not totally practiced by everyone. Keeping a child safe begins with some very deliberate programmed learning.

Perhaps your children are teens, and you feel confident in their ability to gage their surroundings, but it is important that you share these seemingly "child only" rules for safety with them. Even if your older children are nearing college age, the ideas projected in a few simple rules will seep through for their own protection. As you tell them that these rules are being discussed to protect little ones, the older children will indeed listen and learn as they are being equipped to protect the most vulnerable, and perhaps unknowingly themselves.

There are so many details to share with a child, but I would like to ask each of you to read the few "Rules for Safety" which are provided by The National Center of Missing and Exploited Children. They are provided “exactly" as originated by this marvelous organization, for that is the only rule for their publication.

Remember... these "Rules for Safety" MUST BE DISCUSSED WITH FREQUENCY FOR THEM TO HAVE IMPACT.

Knowing My Rules for Safety

1. I CHECK FIRST with my parents, guardians, or other trusted adults before going anywhere, doing anything, helping anyone accepting anything, getting into a vehicle or leaving with anyone.

2. I TAKE A FRIEND with me when going places or playing outside.

3. I TELL someone NO if they try to touch me or do things in ways that make me feel scared, uncomfortable, or confused, because it’s OK for me to stand up for myself.

4. I TELL my parents, guardians, or other trusted adults if anything happens to me.

Sometimes there are people who choose to trick or hurt others. There is no excuse - no one has the right to force, trick, or pressure people into doing things they don't want to do. So use these rules, and remember you are STRONG, are SMART, and have the right to be SAFE. Always

> CHECK FIRST
> TAKE A FRIEND
> TELL PEOPLE "NO" WHEN THEY TRY TO CAUSE YOU HARM
> TELL AN ADULT YOU TRUST IF ANYTHING HAPPENS

For more information to report a missing or sexually exploited child, and/or to provide information about a missing child, please call 1-800-THE-LOST (1-800-843-5678) or visit the website at http://www.missingkids.com/.

The most important holiday gift we can offer is this opportunity to begin a dialog with your children, and your friends who have children, and share these Rules for Safety.

Stay Safe ...through sharing! Blessings...T. Wade and Elisheva

Happiness - Equal Opportunity for All

2007-11-05T16:43:00.000-05:00

by Rev. T. Wade Clegg, III

If you believe in a good and gracious God,
you must rise above the defects in any
religious beliefs which deter, deny and
advocate that happiness be limited to a
designated group.

America is not only based on the pursuit
of happiness, but its character is defined
by the right of an individual to obtain it.
American character is defined by the
determination of the most gifted, most
secure, most abundantly blessed to assure
that happiness can be a reality for all, even
when happiness by so many is but a dream,
seemingly unattainable

Look deeply into your faith and if any
religious or political leader, who is secure
in his or her own pursuit of happiness, yet
devoted to the denial of others to have that
same right, then look away from that person,
group or organization, and find fellowship
with those in diligent pursuit of awakening
the best in our nature.

To do nothing or support the diminishment
of another's happiness is a distortion of that
which is good and gracious. People are
endowed with the capacity to rise above
any dogma perpetuated by men. When
Scripture is not allowed to bring out the best
in humanity, it has no attachment to that which
is proclaimed to be good and gracious...and
certainly no God worthy of recognition and
praise would associate with such perversions.

It is simply not logical to believe that happiness
must be confined. You will not have to look too
deeply to recognize those who proclaim their
selfishness by advocation or simply adherence.
Once known...take the path which allows you
to reach your higher self for the least able
among us. If you are in need of a purpose, this
rates among the most divine human objectives.

When you're down & out ....

2007-10-16T09:39:00.000-04:00

Confide in a Friend

When you're tired and worn at the close of the day
And things just don't seem to be going your way,
When even your patience has come to an end,
Try taking time and confide in a friend.

Perhaps he too may have walked the same road
With a much troubled heart and burdensome load,
To find peace and comfort somewhere near the end,
When he stopped long enough to confide in a friend.

For then are most welcome a few words of cheer,
For someone who willingly lends you an ear.
No troubles exist that time cannot mend,
But to get quick relief, just confide in a friend.

- Author Unknown

Personal Note from Reverend Clegg:

To all my couples I have married in the past, you will remember that I offered you my counseling services FREE OF CHARGE. Please don't let a "pebble become a big boulder." Remember I am always your friend and will be there anytime day or night. Blessings, Elisheva

Spouses Have A Hand in Quelling Anxiety

2007-10-16T09:11:00.000-04:00

To my couples that I have married and to those couples which intend to get married soon, please read this article by Christopher Lee published on December 27, 2006 from the Washington Post. For those of you I have married, I am sure you will remember that I emphasized the importance of "touching each other, holding hands and looking at each other daily as the wonderous, beautiful gifts you are to each other."

Washington Post, December 27, 2006:
Spouses Have A Hand in Quelling Anxiety

Husbands and wives lean on each other, but it turns out that lending a hand is good, too. Research published in this month's edition of the journal Psychological Science found that women facing a stressful event experienced less anxiety when they held their husband's hands.

In the study, 16 married women underwent a series of trials in which they were shown an image of a red X, indicating a 20 percent chance of a mild electric shock to an ankle, or a blue O, indicating no chance of a shock. Each woman variously held the hand of her husband, a stranger or no hand at all.

Researchers used magnetic resonance imaging(MRI) scans to assess how the women's brains responded. Holding any hand helped relax the women, they found, but holding the spouse's hand had an especially powerful effect."

"Holding any hand at all calms regions of the brain that are responsible for the body's physical stress response," said neuroscientist James A Coan of the University of Virginia, the study's lead author. "But only the spousal hand affected regions of the brain that are responsible for worrying...This is the region which is thought to be associated with your experience of pain."

The findings are in line with other research showing that social ties have beneficial effects on health. Married people are , on average, healthier and happier than unmarried people, researchers have found. And those in the happiest marriages tend to have lower risks of infection and faster recovery from injury than people in less blissful unions. Similarly, although all of the couples in the experiment rated themselves as happily married, women in the most satistying marriages experienced the most potent calming effect of holding their husbands' hands.

"We discovered that spouses may be acting as a kind of analgesic in the high-quaility relationships," Coan said.

- Christopher Lee

****************************************************
From Reverend Clegg:

The best way to go through life's challenges is to share our experiences.

We are all connected. At any time we find ourselves as both student and teacher to each other. So I'd like for you after reading this article, to feel free to add your comments, with your feedback and/or your experiences, which may help some other couple to deal with situations within their lives.

Blessings, Elisehva

Welcome

2007-09-15T10:41:00.000-04:00

Greetings. My name is Elisheva C. Clegg. I am an ordained interfaith minister, chaplain and pastoral counselor, M.A. serving Virginia, West Virginia, District of Columbia, Maryland and North Carolina.

“Creating personalized, original ceremonies incorporating practices, rituals, prayers, poems, readings and music honoring the cultural, ethnic and racial diversity of each couple.”

A personalized ceremony is much more than the action of arranging and selecting poems, rituals, readings, etc. The ceremony is the CORE of the wedding and should capture the depth of meaning for the couple’s journey together. Each couple is a co-creator of their ceremony in expressing their love, commitment, hopes and desires for their future.

I use many avenues to accomplish this goal. One such avenue is the completion of a questionnaire by the bride and groom individually which allows them to express themselves fully while offering the necessary answers which allow me to get to know each on a deeper level. My role as a wedding minister is very sacred to me. To be a part of a couple’s commitment to travel the path of life together is one of the truly emotionally gratifying experiences.

To each couple I offer the opportunity to remain in contact for future consultation, if and when, there may arise one of those unexpected “bumps” along life’ journey. No one has ever sailed through life without facing bad weather, cross winds, or one of those rare hurricanes. Such contact is extended without charge.

Reverend Clegg is assisted at most weddings by her husband of thirty-five years.

About Reverend T. Wade Clegg III

Reverend Clegg completed all written requirements at The New Seminary (TNS) in New York in May 2003. Due to health complications, he delayed ordination in New York, and continued the ordination process while in Florida.

He was ordained by Lighthaven Interfaith Seminary, an affiliate of Universal University of Holistic Spirituality (UUHS) in Clearwater, Florida, the only accredited interfaith university in Florida, with college headquarters now in Panama City, Panama. He received his ministerial assignment to Universal Oneness United in May 2005.

Reverend Clegg was registered as a premarital preparation provider and affiant in Florida prior to moving to Virginia, where he is presently registered for ministerial duties in the Commonwealth of Virginia by the Fluvanna County Clerk of the Court in Palmyra, Virginia.

Reverend T. Wade Clegg III is a retired Air Force Officer,former businessman, broadcaster, and certified organic farmer. He is a graduate of the University of Alabama with a Bachelor of Arts (B.A.) in Radio Television Journalism (1966), and received a graduate certificate in Communication at the Norman Campus of the University of Oklahoma (1972).